I am living with anxiety

Tina Turner and Dr. Low

2012-01-27T17:51:00.001-08:00

Dr. Low tells us that humor is our best friend and temper is our worst enemy when dealing with symptoms. With that in mind, I recently realized that some of Tina Turner’s famous song lyrics have some things in common with Recovery principles!

Dr. Low: It’s OK to be average.
Tina Turner: We don’t need another hero.

Dr. Low: It’s not how you feel, it’s how you function.
Tina Turner: What’s love got to do with it?

I doubt Tina Turner even knows what Recovery is all about, and this is admittedly a bit silly. But it’s a good reminder that when we find ourselves all tied up in anxious knots, a little humor can go a long way toward feeling better. The next time you feel down, think of Turner singing "Proud Mary"; you'll find it hard not to smile.

Any other Tina Turner sayings you can think of that are reflective of Recovery?

Confessions of a perfectionist

2012-01-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

I’ll admit it: I am a perfectionist. I like to be number 1, to have everything work just right, to be at the top of the class, to be at the front of the line, to be the highest performer. The problem is that trying to be perfect is exhausting—and taxing on my mental health.

Recently I turned in an assignment for a class. Afterward I agonized over whether my submission would meet all of the grading criteria. More specifically, I was worried I would not receive a perfect score. I had trouble sleeping, talked up the paper with friends, and felt nervous and tense. Finally a friend reminded me that this is a triviality—that the earth won’t stop spinning if I receive a less-than-perfect grade! I realized that I was violating Recovery’s principle of being average by trying to be exceptional. I allowed my imagination to be on fire.

After this experience, I felt a bit guilty for not practicing my Recovery training better. However, Dr. Low reminds us to endorse for the effort, not the outcome, and before Recovery I would not have stopped this vicious cycle and would have continued to worry. After all, we are not to try to practice Recovery perfectly, but rather as an average person.

A New Year Resolution

2011-12-24T06:05:00.001-08:00

At this time of year, we make New Year Resolutions. Thinking about the next 12 months makes me nervous, however. Fortunately, I have my Recovery training to help me out.

A lot is ahead for me in the next 366 days (It’s a leap year :). I have a busy schedule, as I am in graduate school. Many changes are expected at my workplace, and I could be in store for a stressful year if the economy continues to sputter. One of my cats is 19 (need I say more?). Thinking about the year to come is overwhelming and stressful.

Yet Dr. Low reminds us to not work ourselves up in the preview. I’ve reminded myself to not allow my imagination to be on fire. Every year brings challenges—some good, some bad—and that’s part of an average life. Dr. Low says to enjoy times when they are good, but not get trapped in a vicious cycle when times are bad. Instead, focus on how we function, not how we feel, and like any average person I will muddle through.

Before my Recovery training I would have had no “game plan” for dealing with the year ahead. In fact, I would have worked myself up worrying about events that may never happen. Now I am more focused on the here and now and not working myself up over what may be.

Life's ups and downs

2011-11-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

I do not like to travel by airplane. Being hundreds of feet in the air makes me nervous. However, my career requires that I travel more than once a month, so I have used my Recovery training to make the experience easier.

Recently I was on a flight that became quite bumpy; the plane went up and down and left to right. It was probably the worst turbulence I’ve experienced. Needless to say, I was in a panic. My eyes were blurry; my palms were sweaty; my body shook; my mind raced. To my astonishment, the woman next to me sat calmly with her eyes closed.

After about five minutes the turbulence was over, and when I began to regroup I applied my Recovery training. I didn’t fault myself for my reaction, as Dr. Low reminds us that we shouldn’t expect to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I endorsed myself for controlling my muscles (not crying during the turbulence or disturbing the composure of the woman next to me). Afterward I remarked to a few people in the office about the bumpy trip, but I did not speak about it excessively. Before Recovery I would have told everyone I met about my “horrible” flight, thereby working myself up.

I’ve also come to realize that when I worry about the plane crashing I’m making a bid to be exceptional. There are hundreds if not thousands of flights every day across the world, and only rarely does a plane encounter trouble (and even more rarely it crashes). Instead of worrying about an exceptional event, I need to focus on the average flying experience. There will be some bumps, and some flights will be smoother than others. But overall I should not give into temper every time the plane encounters some rough air.

To help me with this, I’ve been practicing forced objectivity. For example, when I’m flying I listen to music, watch a video, or read. This way a lot of the little bumps go unnoticed—and my mental health is better for it.

Handling a triviality

2011-10-30T10:46:00.001-07:00

In one of my classes I received a less-than-stellar grade on a group assignment. At first, I began to work myself up. My pulse quickened; my mind raced; and I began to blame myself. I had thought we had done an average, if not above average, job but the professor disagreed.

I remained in temper for several hours. I did spot that to talk it up is to work it up and avoided bringing up my disappointment with others. I avoided apologizing to other group members as excessive apologizing is a form of temper.

I have spotted that my imagination was on fire, and I have been taking steps to practice forced objectivity so I do not dwell on this triviality. I’m endorsing for my efforts.

Before Recovery, I would have called up many people to analyze this grade for hours on end. Now I know better. This is a triviality and not worth working myself up over.

A super spot

2011-10-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

I recently began pursuing a master’s degree. After turning in one of my first assignments, the professor posted tips on how to answer some of the questions. That’s when I began to work myself up. Oh, there was plenty of time to submit a revision, but I began to work myself up over making the changes. I needed to adjust only a few answers, but I felt compelled to review all of my work. I wanted to double check all of the answers, not just those few I needed to change based on the professor’s advice. My mind started to race; my pulse quickened; and my eyes became blurry.

Then I spotted that I was facing a triviality, and that there was no need to review all of my work. I gave myself permission to make a mistake. I revised and resubmitted the assignment.

A few moments later I had a “eureka” moment, what I’m calling a “super spot.” I realized that I am not pursuing a master’s degree to be tense, miserable, and in temper for the next 18 months. I am pursuing a master’s degree to better myself. The uncomfortable feelings melted away upon this realization. This is now my guiding principle whenever I encounter temper in my studies.
Before Recovery, I would have thought about the revised assignment all night, talked it up with friends, and probably triple or quadruple checked my work. Now that I have Recovery training, I feel I’m better equipped to pursue a master’s degree. And my “super spot” will help me whenever I feel the need to be perfect in my studies.

Avoiding the symbolic victory

2011-09-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Our culture encourages us to “get the last word,” to air our feelings, and to express our minds. Dr. Low warns us not to buy into these notions, as doing so will lead to temper and symptoms.

For example, I recently received an e-mail from a co-worker making a statement with which I do not agree. My initial flare of temper compelled me to reply with my own opinion. After all, I believed my viewpoint was correct. I felt my skin tensing and my breathing quickening as I formulated a brilliant response.

However, I spotted that I was becoming worked up over a triviality—and there is no
right or wrong in the trivialities of everyday life. I decided to abandon the need for a symbolic victory and control my muscles by not sending a response. During this long holiday weekend I still find myself thinking about that e-mail, but I choose to focus on secure thoughts.

Before Recovery I would have replied to the e-mail. While I might have thought that my argument was sound, the ensuing back and forth would have led to a temperamental deadlock, which would have harmed “group life” (i.e., work). And I would have developed fearful temper as I awaited my co-worker’s response.

With my Recovery training I have avoided a panoply of symptoms. And for that I heartily endorse!

When things fall apart

2011-08-20T11:26:00.001-07:00

This week a major problem developed for me at work. I am not responsible for what happened, but the fallout could affect our business significantly. I first learned of the issue through an e-mail, and my symptoms exploded: confusion, sweaty palms, shakes, anger, fear, and despair. My mind raced as I envisioned everything I worked for crumbling as the result of something for which I had no involvement. (I’ll spare you the details; in the end, they don’t really matter.)

For the past few days it has been difficult to spot my symptoms. In fact, I don’t think I really wanted to. I allowed my mind to play out scenarios; I coddled my feelings; and I permitted my imagination to be on fire. I know how to maintain my mental health, but the situation was so overwhelming that I didn’t want to make the effort to change my thoughts.

The days ahead will reveal the final outcome/fallout of what happened, and I’m now beginning to spot that symptoms are distressing but not dangerous, that to know is to know that I DON’T know what will happen (Read that a couple times to get it). I’m making an effort to not let these symptoms overwhelm my years of hard work toward improving my mental health. I’m trying to be a realist and not let my imagination get carried away.

It’s so easy to fall into my old patterns during a crisis. Ultimately, this is a triviality in my life, but it seems so pressing and important right now. I don’t feel like endorsing but I will, because before Recovery I would not have made the effort to put my mental health first. I would have wallowed in my misery, talked about the situation to anyone who would listen (and even those who didn’t want to), and worked myself up so much that my recovery would be threatened. No matter what happens, my mental health must come first, and that realization is worth a hearty endorsement.

Blurry vision--distressing but not dangerous

2011-08-11T16:46:00.000-07:00

My most distressing symptom is blurry vision. Sometimes when I begin to read a thought of insecurity enters my mind (What if I am not reading “properly” and missing something important?). Then the usual, “old-friend” symptoms develop: racing heartbeat, shallow breathing and, most distressing to me, blurry vision. I have struggled mightily with this symptom for at least 10 years.

Through my Recovery training I have learned to spot these symptoms as distressing but not dangerous. By not attaching danger to the symptom and replacing insecure with secure thoughts, I have managed to decrease my level of discomfort and “limit the damage time.” Blurry vision is still my most troubling symptom, plaguing me virtually every day. Yet now when I experience the sensation I remember to endorse myself for the effort of reading and not the outcome (my so-called worry about “understanding”). Adopting a realist philosophy, I acknowledge that I am reading just fine—thus, it’s not how I feel but how I function.

Like many nervous people, I used to think I suffered alone. Even after joining Recovery I used to think that few people experienced blurry vision. I then decided to note every time Dr. Low discusses blurry vision in Mental Health Through Will-Training, and I was surprised how often his patients reported this symptom or Dr. Low discussed it: pages 61, 62, 65, 66, 102, 106, 112, 114, 174, 228, 240, 266, 290, 291, 308, 341, 376, 377, 379, 381, 382, 383, and 400. If you suffer with this sensation, you will likely find these references very useful and comforting.

Dr. Low addresses many symptoms, including a person who had a rectal itch (333) and severe belching (385). In the end, the actual symptom doesn’t really matter; I’ve found they change and evolve over time, sometimes receding while others pop up. Symptoms are like weeds. You can cut them down but unless you uproot them, they’ll keep on coming back. To people without and even those with nervous symptoms, many sensations seem foreign, strange, and bizarre, but for the sufferer they are quite real and distressing. Thankfully Dr. Low provides us with a simple but effective method for addressing all symptoms, no matter what they may be.

Reference
1. Low AA. Chapter 46: Symptoms must be attacked where they are weakest. Mental Health Through Will-Training. 3rd ed. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett, 1997.

Finding the weakest link

2011-08-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned here many times, dropping the belief in danger is key to overcoming nervous symptoms. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Dr. Low gives us tips for doing this, including replacing insecure thoughts with secure thoughts. Taking the emergency out of the situation makes a big difference too.

I have found that these tools work particularly well with "new" symptoms. For example, a week ago I was really dreading making a call to my handyman. Temper certainly was blocking the light of logic, as I'm on the phone all day at work; why should one more call bother me in any way? Yet every time I thought about making this particular call my heart would race, my hands would become sweaty, and my mind would be filled with insecure thoughts. After a couple days of this torture I spotted that calling a handyman, and spending money on home repairs, makes me uncomfortable, and that is an average reaction for an average frustration. So I moved my muscles and made the call, and quickly the agony went away. I endorsed for putting my mental health first. Before Recovery I would have spent a lot more time working myself up before making the call.

For my "old friend" symptoms replacing insecure thoughts has been more difficult. This is really not surprising, as these problems did not develop overnight and they won't ease that quickly either (that would be exceptional, and Dr. Low advises us to be average). In this case Dr. Low tells us to attack symptoms at their weakest link. I recently read his thoughts on this subject (1) and found his words reassuring. While my symptoms are more intense outside the home, the key to reducing their intensity is to start addressing them at home, where they are not as intense. Dr. Low elaborates:

"Suppose you wish to become an airplane pilot. You will first work on prints and models, then on parts, then on machines of simple design, and only in the last stages of your apprenticeship, will you venture to manipulate the more powerful engines. This gradual progression, from relatively simple to increasingly more complex tasks, is the system by means of which every method is learned.... If a patient suffers from an explosive temper, it will be easier for him to control it where the temperamental deadlock is mild than where it is in full blaze." (1, 381)

By attacking symptoms at their weakest link, Dr. Low assures us we will improve. And that is indeed a secure thought.

Reference
1. Low AA. Chapter 46: Symptoms must be attacked where they are weakest. Mental Health Through Will-Training. 3rd ed. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett, 1997; 376-84.

Everybody has fear--not everyone develops a vicious cycle

2011-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Ah, wouldn’t it be wonderful to live without fear? I think this is a common fantasy for nervous people. In fact, when we observe people around us, we often think that these “normal” people must have such “easy” lives, free from the tortures we experience every day.

Yet Dr. Low reminds us that fear is a normal, healthy emotion:

“How can you live in this world—or in any other world it seems to me—without having fear? If you have no fear, this means you have no capacity to feel what is going on. If you have no fear, then I doubt whether you will have loved. I doubt it. You see, that sounds very attractive to be without fear, but that can’t be done. If you are without fear, then you are not human. Then you are angelic perhaps and saintly, but I told you what I want you to be: average, human and not saintly.” (1, 75)

Dr. Low elaborates on the difference between nervous people and other folks:

“[T]he average person has fears, and headaches, and numbness, and develops a palpitation here and a pressure there, but if he feels average, then he takes it for granted that this is coming to him and therefore doesn’t work himself up over it. If he feels average, he will not blame himself for having palpitations, not even for having the feeling that he is dying away. He will simply take it for granted that he is an average human being with the average human limitations.” (1, 75)

We nervous people attach danger to palpitations, blurry vision, tightened chests, rapid breathing, and other “everyday” symptoms, and thus we work ourselves up into vicious cycles. Eliminating that belief in danger is what will free us from the discomfort associated with these symptoms.

So lately when my eyes are blurry and my breathing shallow (“old friends” of mine) I stop what I’m doing and remind myself that no danger is involved in the activity, that the feelings and sensations may be distressing but are not dangerous. I command my muscles (eyes, lungs) to carry out the task at hand (reading, breathing). And when it’s complete I heartily endorse myself—not for the outcome, whatever that may be, but for the effort I invested in improving my mental health.

Reference
1. Low AA. Manage Your Fears, Manage Your Anger: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Willett; Glencoe, Ill.: 1995.

The power of secure thinking

2011-07-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

I often have written that thoughts of danger are what drive and underlie our nervous symptoms. I recently reread some of Dr. Low’s remarks that illustrate this point eloquently:

“Nervous symptoms are the result of tenseness, and if you ‘spot them as distressing but not dangerous,’ you dismiss the idea of danger; and without the thought of danger in your brain, you feel safe; and if you feel safe, you relax; and if you relax, you lose your tenseness; and with tenseness gone, the symptom disappears.” (1, 140)

At first blush this sounds too good to be true—can it really be that simple? The hard truth is, yes, we are buying into (or, as Dr. Low would say, “pampering”) thoughts of danger. This is at the root of our symptoms. As Dr. Low notes:

“[T]he fundamental principle of Recovery [is] that symptoms can be conquered by means of simple and innocent procedures initiated by the patient, i.e., through self-help.” (1, 126)

We all suffer from nervous sensations and feelings—they make us so uncomfortable. Of course, we can’t simply change them at a moment’s notice. “Feelings and sensations cannot be stopped, calmed or controlled by deliberate effort,” Dr. Low says, adding, “thoughts and impulses alone are subject to control” (1, 136). Thus, embrace secure thoughts and your feelings and sensations will adjust accordingly.

This doesn’t happen at the drop of a hat at first, but as one of Dr. Low’s patients remarked:

“You can throw off any nervous symptom at any time for a few seconds or minutes if you spot them as distressing but not dangerous. The symptom will come back in the next minute or so. But you can get rid of it again for a short while, and then again and again. And before long, you will be rid of the trouble for hours or for the days. The symptom will return and keep returning, but in the end, you will bring it under control by plugging away at it.... That was hard for me to believe. It just didn’t seem to make sense that an awful head pressure would disappear if I made an effort to spot it. But I can tell you that when I have these symptoms now, all I have to do is practice Dr. Low’s rule, and before long, they are gone.” (1, 139)

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. 3rd ed. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett, 1997.

Dealing with 'little worries'

2011-06-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

I don't like being uncomfortable, and anxiety makes me feel very uncomfortable. I especially worry about making mistakes. Ironically, my fears center around trivialities, such as misspelling a word in an e-mail, bumbling a calculation when balancing my checkbook, misplacing a bill, and so on. All of these "little worries" add up to one chronically stressed, uptight individual.

However, Dr. Low reminds us that mistakes made in trivial matters are themselves trivial. In my encounters with other nervous people, I've noticed how we often sweat the small stuff but can handle life's larger challenges.

For example, we're more likely to panic over misspelling our name on a college application rather than making the big decision to attend a college. I've also noted that in true emergencies many, if not most, of us react just fine, with a cool head and calm demeanor.

So as we work our way through our own recovery journeys, perhaps we should keep our focus on the little things, those everyday events that we can change our attitude toward. While our overall "big" goal is a long-term reduction in our symptoms, in the meantime we can make progress by focusing on prioritizing our mental health during all of the little challenges of life--and endorsing ourselves for every little victory.

Making our mental health a business

2011-05-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Recently I learned some news from a co-worker that upset me. Oh, it wasn't anything critical--a project I am involved in is scheduled to be completed sooner than I anticipated. I developed an angry temper because I learned the information second-hand, without hearing directly from the project manager.

I experienced several emotions. I was fearful that this project was moving forward ahead of schedule. I was angry for not being told directly of the change of plans. And as I rehearsed in my head plans to confront the project manager, I felt the need to vent my frustration.

However, I made a firm command to my muscles to not speak up at the next meeting. Recognizing the situation for what it was--a triviality--I decided to make my mental health my top priority and simply roll with the new schedule. While in former days I would have expressed my opinion passionately, I now realize that would not be very group minded. I excused instead of accused the project manager, and once the meeting finished I endorsed myself for not making a mountain out of a molehill.

We nervous people often want to speak up when we feel we have been "wronged," but in doing so the outcome is rarely satisfaction. Instead, in such a bid for a symbolic victory we usually feel embarrassed, guilty, or fearful afterward, analyzing what we said and why we said it. Dr. Low does remind us to not be "doormats," but to express ourselves with "culture" (that is, politely) if we feel the need to confront someone. Because in the end venting our feelings is not worth it if it costs us progress toward achieving better mental health. And at work this truly means making our mental health a business.

Reading anxiety

2011-04-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

The other day I had to read an important document. Well, “important” might be too strong of an adjective, but it was something I did need to read carefully. When I began the task my symptoms—an “old friend”—showed up. My vision became blurry and my breathing was shallow. I feared making a mistake, missing something important; my thinking was very insecure.

Then I began to spot that it is average to make mistakes—and it takes courage to make them. I reminded myself that it is not how we feel, but how we function that counts. Although my inclination was to not read this document, I had an obligation to do so, and I wasn’t going to let uncomfortable symptoms get in the way.

I muddled through the task. I didn’t feel great, but I endorsed myself. Before Recovery I would start a project like this; feel anxious; start over; feel more anxious; start over yet again—and something that should take ten minutes would take four torturous hours. Now, though, I have skills learned through Recovery training to deal with uncomfortable feelings and not let them run my life.

The importance of meetings

2011-03-20T07:57:00.001-07:00

Many people with anxiety have tried many different outlets to achieve relief: multiple therapists, different pharmacologic combinations, self-help books. While all of these have their own importance in recovery, Recovery (capital R) offers an essential ingredient to true healing: meetings with peers.

Before Recovery, I had tried many different ways to achieve relief. But what really set me on a path to better mental health was making the effort to attend a group meeting weekly. Although visiting a therapist is important, most of us don't have the luxury of seeing a professional once a week. But in Recovery you can attend a meeting (in person, on the phone, or online) every day if you like. Simply showing up is an act worth endorsing for, as are commenting on examples and giving your own. Being around people who share similar fears, angers, anxieties, and frustrations is a powerful experience and is a continual reminder that we are not exceptional; our symptoms are indeed average; and relief can and will be achieved.

You can read all the self-help books you like, including Dr. Low's, but without having a constant reminder to act on the advice the changes probably won't stick for very long. That's why attending meetings is so important. Dr. Low reminds us that changes to the brain are made "through the muscles," including making the effort to attend a meeting through getting in the car, picking up the phone, and/or logging on to the Internet--even when we don't particularly feel like it, or when we would rather be doing something else, or when we feel that we don't need meetings anymore. It takes effort to improve our lives, and attending Recovery meetings is a relatively simple--but powerful--way to improve our mental health.

Endorse for the effort, not the outcome

2011-02-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Our main goal, of course, is to eliminate nervous symptoms and temper from our lives. All too often we become frustrated, though, when despite our best efforts, they will not go away. We become discouraged and wonder what we are doing “wrong.”

Dr. Low, however, reminds us frequently that we cannot control feelings and sensations—only thoughts and impulses. We must allow our feelings and sensations to rise and fall on their own, using our spotting techniques to reduce their intensity and duration. And perhaps the most important lesson here is to remember to endorse for the effort but not the outcome.

At a recent Recovery meeting, a fellow group member shared her experience of using the Recovery method but not achieving the results she wanted as quickly as she desired. At some point she said she finally "got it" and her symptoms began to abate more quickly. She wasn’t sure what prompted her eureka moment, but I think I know the answer: It’s when she started to endorse for the effort—for spotting, for making her mental health a priority, for learning to endure uncomfortable feelings and sensations without making them into an emergency—and not the outcome (i.e., immediate cessation of symptoms).

Dr. Low stresses that we should give ourselves a pat on the back not because our symptoms are reduced, but more because we are doing something about them. And the more we provide ourselves with these “mini-rewards” for making our mental health a business, indeed the more quickly our symptoms will lessen. But if we focus on the symptoms themselves, we miss the fundamentals of truly becoming well: Changing our lives takes practice, patience, and perseverance. Thus, we celebrate when symptoms reside, but we endorse for all of the work we do along the way.

Being realistic

2011-01-29T07:03:00.001-08:00

When I feel anxious, sometimes it seems the world stops. You probably know the feeling: I zero in on my symptoms such as blurry vision, heart palpitations, and tightness in the chest. The more I think about my symptoms, the worse they become. Sometimes it's hard to think of anything else which, of course, is how we get into trouble. We look for ways for instant relief: For people with OCD tendencies, this might mean performing a ritual. For others, it might be escaping from the distressing situation. Either way, we do ourselves much more harm than good by not muddling through whatever troubles us.

For example, say you're having a problem with doing something at work. You might think you are making many mistakes, but that's not likely the reality. Dr. Low called this thought process romanto-intellectualism: basically, believing that if you think it or feel it, it must be real. Such an attitude distorts reality for nervous people. In actuality, what we think or feel usually does not reflect the true situation. Dr. Low reminds us that it is not how we feel but how we function, and in most cases we perform just fine--no matter how distressing the feelings or sensations. And, using this example, if you did make a mistake, better to have the courage to make a mistake than succumb to a vicious cycle of anxiety. (After all, making mistakes is average, and we should not focus on being exceptional.)

True recovery comes to those who wait and practice with patience. Although we want instant relief, that's not realistic for boosting our long-term mental health. Letting go of our fears and being realistic is part of what Recovery is all about.

New Year's Resolution: Moving My Muscles

2010-12-31T13:51:00.000-08:00

At this time of year, many (most?) Americans resolve to have a more active lifestyle. We usually focus on the physical aspects of exercise, such as weight loss, reduced blood pressure, presumed better looks, and so on. But Dr. Low teaches that moving our muscles has another important benefit: reducing our angry and fearful temper.

In this case I'm not talking about moving one's muscles to overcome a fear, such as having the will to board an airplane if you fear flying. I'm talking about the useful benefits of exercise in improving our mental health.

I don't enjoy exercising, though. I had a gym membership once, but I felt very uncomfortable there, intimidated by all of the fit and trim people. Now that I'm in Recovery, I would have taken a different attitude toward that experience, but in general I don't enjoy peddling on a bike for 30 minutes or lifting weights repetitiously. I do enjoy being active, though, whether that is working in the yard or strolling through a park. When I move my muscles I can feel tension, anger, and fear drain away, and I need to practice being more active to improve my mental health.

So my New Year's resolution is to be more active in 2011. To achieve this goal, I hope to take more walks--daily if possible. I'm not going to scold myself if I don't feel I'm doing "enough," as it's average to be enthuisastic about New Year's resolutions but then have that attitude fade over time. But if I lower my standards, my performance will rise, as Dr. Low suggests.

And as I'm walking in the bitter winter cold I can endorse myself all the way for making my mental health a business.

Practicing Recovery

2010-12-12T12:47:00.001-08:00

This past Saturday I attended a leaders meeting for my local Recovery chapter. I struggled with some fearful temper before deciding to attend. After all, I would be around people I never met before, and that stirred butterflies in my stomach and led to some blurry vision. However, I chose obligation over inclination and decided to attend. I knew I could bear any discomfort.

Of course, anticipation is usually worse than realization, and I found everyone to be pleasant and welcoming. However, I was startled when the chapter president called on me to handle comments for another leader’s example.

Instantly I felt blood rush to my face and my heart pound. My mind began to race with thoughts such as, “What if I make a fool of myself?” and “What if I make a mistake?” I was very self-conscious.

Yet I quickly spotted that I was startled, and that it is average to feel uncomfortable in an uncomfortable situation. I wore the mask and “muddled” my way through it. I endorsed not only for having the courage to make a mistake, but also for deciding to attend the meeting in the first place. Even when attending Recovery meetings themselves we can find ways to practice!
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On a separate note, I found one of Katy Perry’s latest music videos to have an especially encouraging message for those struggling with anxiety.

Airplanes and spaceships: They're all outer environment

2010-11-14T07:24:00.000-08:00

So much of our fear is driven by the outer environment. It seems like a simple concept, but it was quite a wake-up call once I joined Recovery. During the past week I’ve had multiple opportunities to recognize the importance of not letting my outer environment affect my inner environment.

For example, I was flying for a business trip. A pilot could not have asked for more ideal weather—clear blue skies between destinations. Of course, there were some bumps along the way. I’m not afraid to fly, but turbulence typically makes me very anxious. My hands clench, body sweats, eyes blur; I fear the plane will crash—average symptoms for me (and probably many people).

On my return flight home, though, I realized that I have absolutely no control over the airplane, my outer environment, and I had a responsibility to make my mental health a business and practice my Recovery training. I focused on secure thoughts (“Flying is one of the safest ways to travel”) and practiced objectivity by burying myself in a book. Soon my symptoms disappeared and even when there was an occasional bump I didn’t develop a panic. Before Recovery I would not have been able to practice this self-control and would have been miserable the entire flight. I endorsed myself.

The book I was reading was the sci-fi novel Dune. Some of the characters in the book have a saying they recite when faced with an anxious situation:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” (1)

Although this is not a Recovery tool, I do like how this “Litany against Fear” emphasizes that fear can overwhelm someone but if he lets it pass, all will be well. The book takes place thousands of years in the future, but humans still succumb to fear from their outer environment in the universe. Thankfully we have the tools to make our everyday, present existence less dominated by anxiety.

Reference
1. Herbert F. Dune. 40th anniversary ed. New York: Penguin; 2005: 8.

Leadership

2010-10-16T07:26:00.000-07:00

Blurry vision is my most distressing symptom. I have a hunch that most nervous people have one particular sensation that disturbs them more than others. While my vision becomes blurred, through Recovery training I’ve learned that my ability to function does not decrease.

For many years I thought my symptom was unique and that no one else suffered this way, but in Recovery I learned to reject this idea of exceptionality (and in several places in Mental Health Through Will-Training Dr. Low does cite nervous people who have blurry vision as a symptom, such as Harriette).(1)

Through Recovery I have learned to manage these symptoms by employing secure thinking and adopting the will to bear discomfort. This week in my Recovery group I learned another strategy: leadership. Just as how a political leader must have a clear message to his group and must not arouse their fearful or angry temper if he/she wants to succeed, a nervous person cannot send fearful messages to his/her muscles and then expect them to not react accordingly. As Dr. Low says:

“And if muscles get two contradictory orders at the same time, all they can do is to create tenseness or to begin to tremble or to stiffen up or all three together. And then there is no action. And you will understand that the patient can in this manner confuse the muscles, irritate them, throwing them into tenseness and spasms and in tremors. This means making them react like you react in temper: tenseness, stiffness. And that’s what the muscles do, and then there is no leadership. The person doesn’t exercise guidance, doesn’t give guidance. And if this happens, the person notices that the muscles don’t do as he wants them to do, so he now becomes more irritated, more suspicious that there may be something wrong with him, and therefore more temperamental. And a vicious cycle develops.” (2)

This concept of leadership relates to the Recovery principle of controlling one’s muscles, but it goes a step further in my opinion: It implies that we are responsible for controlling our symptoms. Not that we are causing them willingly, but that we can—and must—exercise the will to make our lives better. That’s what we would expect from a leader, and the leader of our bodies is ourselves.

References
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;65.
2. Low AA. Lecture 20. Leadership and muscles. In: Manage Your Fears, Manage Your Anger: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Glencoe, Il.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1995; 117.

Footloose

2010-09-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

We nervous people can have symptoms over the strangest things. A vast array of objects, activities, conversations, and other average, everyday experiences can lead us to vicious cycles--the keyword being average. We usually develop symptoms about trivialities, and recognizing this can help us overcome uncomfortable sensations.

For example, I dread buying new shoes (Hmm, that sounds like tempermental lingo). Oh, I enjoy having new footwear, but breaking in shoes makes me quite anxious. I concentrate on how different the new shoes feel over the old ones, agonize that I might have bought the wrong size or style, and generally work myself up over an experience most people don’t give a second thought to.

At my local Recovery group a few months ago I brought up my distress, and perhaps unsurprisingly other members recounted similar experiences. I realized that I am not exceptional; my sensations are not unique; and I certainly can bear the discomfort associated with breaking in new shoes (This post probably would seem ridiculous to someone who is not a nervous person, but everyone has “little” fears and worries—we just work them up too much).

After that meeting I did practice sabotage, unfortunately, by putting the shoes in the closet for a few months and ignoring them, preferring to not bear the discomfort. But now I’m using several Recovery tools. For example, I’m practicing the concept of “part acts”: I’m wearing them on weekends but not during the week; I’ll move onto that when I’m ready. Plus, I’m reminding myself that I can certainly bear this discomfort. And as often as I can remember, I’m endorsing myself. With practice and patience come success, and I hope to be footloose soon.

Zipping beyond my comfort zone

2010-08-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

In my more than 1 year in Recovery I’ve learned that life is not always comfortable. This is obvious to most people, but nervous persons have a tendency to continuously crave comfort—and overreact in uncomfortable situations. But I’ve discovered that the key to growth is tolerating this discomfort and recognizing that feelings can be distressing but not dangerous.

I recently decided that living outside my comfort zone once and a while might be a good opportunity to practice my Recovery skills. So last week when I was on vacation I decided to try “zip lining,” a type of outdoor adventure/recreation in which you slide down a line while strapped in a harness. The line is attached to trees and the experience allows you to see the forest from a new perspective—from hundreds of feet in the air.

This was not something I had to do, but it’s something I wanted to do. I decided to bear the discomfort and made plans to take a 4-hour zip line tour. I made the reservations weeks in advance, so I had plenty of time to work it up, but I used secure thinking to tell myself I would have a good time.

When the day finally arrived, I experienced tunnel vision, sweaty palms, and a racing heartbeat as I drove to the site. After a short orientation and gearing up I felt nervous about the upcoming experience. Yet I reminded myself that anticipation is usually worse than realization. I acknowledged that I was uncomfortable—but that these distressing feelings were not dangerous. And my friends in Recovery had reminded me earlier that these sensations were average for anyone trying out an activity like this.

My first zip experience was indeed scary yet exhilarating at the same time. I felt uncomfortable at the beginning of each zip line, but enjoyed the experience despite some discomfort. Before Recovery I would have allowed these feelings to prevent me from even considering participating in this type of activity. I gave myself a hearty endorsement for braving, tolerating, and enduring discomfort. It was truly a growth experience for me. I don’t think I’m ready to take up skydiving next, but by moving my muscles I learned I can work through discomfort.

Shades of fear

2010-03-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

When faced with multiple options, I often find it difficult to make a decision. I suspect this is an average situation for a nervous person. Recently I decided to paint my kitchen, and choosing a color can be a daunting task for me. There are just too many choices! But as Dr. Low reminds us, any decision will steady us, so I chose a color (“Bungalow Gold”) and got to work.

As I was painting, though, I realized that the color was way too dark. I decided to finish the kitchen so I could take in the whole view, and my hunch was confirmed; my kitchen “shrank” with such a deep hue. I could feel angry temper well up inside me, as I scolded myself for not making a better decision, and I also felt fearful temper, as I wondered how others would view my “mistake.” I take a lot of pride in my home, and I admit I often have strived to have the “perfect” residence, worthy of HGTV.

Yet instead of working myself up this time, I left the kitchen; went to bed; and re-evaluated the situation in the morning. I still felt the color was too dark, so I reprimed the walls and selected a different color (“Pear”). I also lowered my standards, reminding myself that this was not something that should threaten my mental health.

Before Recovery, I would have went into a full-fledged panic over this situation. I definitely would have called a lot of my friends—and, as Dr. Low says, to talk it up is to work it up. Although I forgot to endorse myself at the time, I’m endorsing myself now for not working up this triviality.

Preventing temper from taking off

2010-02-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

This week I had to travel for work, and both my outgoing and incoming flights were delayed. When I was returning home, the plane had to return to the gate twice before we boarded another plane!

Before Recovery, I certainly would have worked up these situations, lamenting the “injustice” and “unfairness” of them. I did have a brief flare of temper, but I recognized—and spotted—this as average. I didn’t work it up. I acknowledged that disappointments are part of everyday life, and that flight delays are really trivialities. I did not let my angry or fearful temper to develop into symptoms.

I forgot to endorse myself for handling these situations so well, so I’m endorsing myself now. While other passengers were obviously irritated, I remained cool, calm, and collected. I am so thankful for my Recovery training!

Working through symptoms

2010-02-13T07:49:00.000-08:00

Symptoms, symptoms, symptoms. This is Recovery language for all of those head pressures, electrifying zaps, heavy breathing spells, tightness, and other feelings and sensations that can make living with anxiety so miserable.

One of my most disturbing sensations is blurry vision. When I become anxious it becomes difficult to focus or read (or at least that is what I have told myself). I have had this problem for about 10 years, during which I’ve worked this up into a vicious cycle. In fact, I thought I was the only person who suffered with this symptom until I came to Recovery, in which I met people who have this symptom as well as read about them in Dr. Low’s works:

“Harriette was tortured by ‘headaches and nausea and fatigue and dizzy spells, by weak spells and palpitations.’ Her ears ached and her eyes blurred and her throat choked….” (Emphasis added) (1)

I have been in Recovery since last May—reading Dr. Low’s works and attending meetings—and I still do have blurry vision. However, I now know that when I’m having this sensation, I can control my thoughts: I do not need to “react” to this. I can remind myself that yes, this sensation is distressing, but it is not dangerous. While I may feel that anything I do while I have this sensation will turn out wrong, that is not a fact. (One of my relatives likes to remind me that I always will perform in a reasonable way.) If I make a mistake, it’s no big deal—mistakes are average and happen to everyone, whether they have a bout of blurry vision or not.

Hopefully some day I won’t deal with this sensation anymore. But in the meantime I now have the tools to cope with—and ultimately conquer—this problem.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;65.

I’ve trained for this

2010-01-16T08:35:00.000-08:00

On Monday morning—a particularly cold morning—I got into my car and turned the key. I did not like what I heard. The engine made a low groan and it wouldn’t start. After a few tries it finally did, and that’s when I began to work myself up.

Thoughts began to race through my mind: What does this mean? Should I get the car checked out? What type of bill am I looking at? Will I make it to work? And sensations flowed over my body: feelings of heat, quickened breathing, blurred vision, and racing heart.

A car repair shop is not far from my house, so I drove there, all the while experiencing these disturbing sensations and thoughts. When I arrived, I hesitated about going in, knowing that I tend to overreact in such situations and this has cost me real dollars in the past (for no good reason). I called—and knowingly woke up—a friend for advice, but he really couldn’t help me.

Then I spotted.

I realized I was going into a panic over a triviality. The car was running just fine now, so there was no real danger. And, most importantly, I realized that I trained for this. With my Recovery training, I know how to handle such situations. I realized that by waking my friend I was not being group minded, and now I needed to make a decision, as any firm decision would steady me.

Instead of going into the shop, I decided to drive to work. Since Monday I haven’t had any car problems, but I’m going to check out the battery tomorrow. I’m very proud of how I handled this situation (with the exception of waking up my friend). In the past I would have been confused and flustered for days, no matter what course of action I took. Instead, I assessed the situation, took action, and agreed to live with the consequences, disregarding any discomfort involved. And for this I gave myself a hearty endorsement.

The best present

2009-12-27T09:57:00.000-08:00

This Christmas I gave myself the best gift—an endorsement.

When my relatives were debating a particular religious view on which I did not agree, I controlled my speech muscles by not voicing my opinion. Before Recovery I would have felt compelled to share my perspective, which inevitably would have led to an argument and tension on a day in which we are supposed to celebrate harmony and tolerance. So instead of seeking a symbolic victory by trying to prove that my beliefs are the "right" ones, I simply focused on something else while they discussed their opinions. And, of course, before long the topic changed. I chose peace over power and was group minded. I didn't allow the need to be "right" take over my day and avoided the resulting confusion, doubt, and anger. Essentially, I practiced what Recovery and Christmas are all about.

Tolerating discomfort

2009-12-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

One of the most difficult things we are challenged to do in our Recovery training is to not work up our symptoms. When our pulse quickens, our mind races, our eyes blur, it’s so easy to give into these feelings, accept them as valid, and react accordingly.

Yet Dr. Low challenged us to not let these feelings overtake our lives. He reminded us that “feelings are not facts” and that while feelings and sensations cannot be controlled, we can control our thoughts and impulses—our reactions to these disturbances.

Essentially Dr. Low was telling us to just keep moving on with our lives—no matter how uncomfortable we may feel. This can be extremely challenging because fearful symptoms can be extremely convincing. But Dr. Low assured us that if we truly have the will to bear discomfort, our symptoms will abate. We will improve. That is the promise of Recovery.

So when I spot myself working myself up, one of my favorite tools to use is to remind myself that these are just sensations—and sensations might be distressing, but they are not dangerous. And because feelings are not facts, I can continue with the task at hand no matter what my symptoms are. This sense of empowerment and hope makes me so glad that this year I discovered Recovery.

I am an apprentice

2009-12-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

Dr. Low made it clear that practicing Recovery means really applying the method—not just understanding it. I find myself spotting angry temper flares most easily. These are not as common as my flares of fearful temper, so in general I’m able to quickly spot and not begin a vicious cycle.

It’s a different story with fearful temper. Usually I’m “on edge” all day, so it’s difficult to “continuously” spot and reassure myself with secure thoughts and the Recovery tools. It takes a lot of work, in fact. I know intellectually what I’m supposed to do, but I often feel I’m not applying the method effectively.

Yet I know enough about Recovery to accept that this is just an average situation. There’s no need to work up these feelings, and the best course of action is to continue reading the books, attending meetings, and applying the method.

So when I read Dr. Low’s lecture on apprenticeship I felt much better about my progress. He reminds us that we are apprentices learning a new skill, and this is accomplished neither quickly nor easily:

“What would happen to our workers—to our craftsmen—if, when they begin their apprenticeship, they should become discouraged the first day? We would have no craftsmen. And yet that is what our patients do. They have a passion for becoming discouraged. They have a passion to be discouraged, and that means they don’t consider themselves apprentices.” (1)

Looking at recovery from nervous conditions as an apprenticeship is a refreshing perspective. Not only does it make sense, it is a much more authentic philosophy than many of the anxiety “quick fixes” that are hawked. Once again, Dr. Low’s enduring wisdom shines through.

Reference
1. Low AA. Lecture 11: The patient is an apprentice. In: Manage Your Fears, Manage Your Anger: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Glencoe, Il.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1995; 57-64.

Attacking symptoms at their weakest point

2009-11-21T05:24:00.000-08:00

As a nervous person I tend to see danger everywhere.

I got to scrub the cutting board really well or I could get food poisoning the next time I use it.

I better double check that the car doors are locked so my car isn't stollen.

In the past, I was obsessive about these tasks, and this caused me great anxiety. Today, I am a little extra thorough in washing the dishes or in ensuring doors are locked, but I no longer repeatedly perform these activities and suffer the resulting distress. So being a bit more mindful about everyday tasks is my current average.

However, after reading Dr. Low's lecture on Frustrations, Emergencies and Beliefs, (1) I realized that I still have a long way to go in dialing down the amount of danger I see in my life.

True, I am no longer obsessive about washing dishes and parking the car, but a part of me ("the stranger in the brain") still sees some danger in these tasks. Dr. Low told us of the importance of not seeing our life full of emergencies:

"If you deal with everyday life, with routine work or routine existence, if you deal with the trivialities of the daily round, don't believe that they are emergencies.... [E]mergencies happen very seldom in the existence of the average person." (1)

And Dr. Low wrote that tenseness affects all body systems—from head to toe. Taking that idea a little further, I speculate that any tenseness in our lives can aggravate our nervous symptoms—especially those that give us the most discomfort.

So while I think I've conquered my issues with washing and driving, kernels of anxiety with these activities remain. And those seeds can grow and exacerbate my other symptoms. Of course, I've made tremendous progress, but to truly make my mental health a business I can't allow myself the luxury of even indulging in "small" symptoms. Thus, when I feel the urge to rinse something just one more time or just hit the keyfob's lock button twice, I need to move—actually, not move—my muscles, bear the minor discomfort, and continue with my day.

These are not my most distressing symptoms at the moment. In fact, they barely bother me. But Dr. Low said we need to attack symptoms at their weakest point. So if I want my major symptoms to abate, I need reduce tenseness in all areas of my life.

I endorsed for writing this post.

Reference
1. Low AA. Manage Your Fears, Manage Your Anger: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Glencoe, Il.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1995; 45-52.

Applying Recovery

2009-11-07T12:48:00.000-08:00

One message I have heard at my Recovery meeting lately (or that has caught my attention) is that “You can’t think your way out of a problem.” During the past six months I’ve learned a lot about Recovery, but knowledge isn’t enough—applying the method is what really counts. As Dr. Low said,

“Understanding alone will not help and has not helped any patient that has developed a long-term nervous problem. The only thing that will help the patient is training, persistent training.” (1)

This means “moving the muscles.” For example, for a long time I feared that my car’s lights (headlights or dome light) were on, so I would constantly look back after arriving at my destination to reassure myself that my battery was not being drained. Sure, I could have told myself that “feelings are not facts,” that “anticipation is usually worse than realization,” that a dead battery would be a triviality, but all of these tools wouldn’t have done any good if I sabotaged my efforts by looking back at the car. I needed to apply the method, not just think about it.

I’ve struggled with doing this with insecure thoughts. Although I continually do things that make me anxious, the nervous feelings have not disappeared, despite my refusal to let anxiety drive my behavior. I believe Dr. Low would tell me that I’m still associating danger with these activities, and as long as I do that I will continue to feel tense—and thus have symptoms. So I’m still struggling with how to apply the method to decrease insecure thoughts while not trying to think myself out of this problem. From what I’ve learned about Recovery so far, I think the answer is to continue to “do the things I fear and hate to do,” think of secure thoughts, and challenge myself to apply the method whenever possible. And, of course, I should lower my expectations: These problems did not develop overnight, and they won’t go away that quickly either. In fact, I do recognize the small gains and by taking the total view I see just how much my life has indeed improved since joining Recovery. This is an endorsable moment!

Reference
1. Low AA. Manage Your Anger, Manage Your Fears: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1995.

Facts and Feelings

2009-10-25T06:26:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite Recovery phrases is “feelings are not facts.” Dr. Low has an entire chapter on this topic, writing:

“I want you to know that your feelings are not facts. They merely pretend to reveal facts. Your feelings deceive you. They tell you of danger when there is no hazard, of wakefulness when sleep was adequate, of exhaustion when the body is merely weary and the mind discouraged. In speaking of your symptoms, your feelings lie to you. If you trust them, you are certain to be betrayed into panics and vicious cycles.” (1)

This is a powerful message for people struggling with anxiety. When we feel life is out of control, that imminent danger is around the corner, that we are having a heart attack it’s easy—maybe natural?—to believe these feelings. But Dr. Low advises us to spot these unrealistic notions, replace them with secure thoughts, and take the total view of the situation.

I find this Recovery tool so helpful because it’s short, easy to remember, and applies to most anxiety-provoking situations, in which there usually is no factual danger. I think it can be especially helpful for people struggling with OCD. While there may be a strong urge to believe something is unsanitary, that a ritual is required to perform a mundane task, and so on, these feelings do not line up with reality.

The next time you spot yourself working yourself up, try reminding yourself that feelings are not facts. Of course, Recovery teaches us that you won’t experience instant relief, but over time the reality of the situation will become clearer than how the “stranger in the brain” perceives it to be.

I endorsed for writing this post.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;118.

An EXCELent endorsement

2009-10-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

One of the best aspects of Dr. Low’s system is when you can head off a full-blown panic, a real whopper of a tantrum, and/or a category 5 hurricane of symptoms just by using his method’s simple, commonsense tools. I had one of these mega-endorsements the other night.

I had a big work project ahead of me: Color coding more than 800 lines of an Excel spreadsheet, line by line. After leaving the office and having a quick dinner, I spent 2-1/2 hours on this project, finishing up around 10 pm. After feeling quite happy about getting this task off my plate, I decided to reopen the file to double check something—and to my dismay all of the color coding was gone. I quickly realized that the file format I had saved the file in did not support text formatting (such as colors).

I could feel anxious and angry symptoms start to brew, but I instantly spotted that this was a distressing but not dangerous situation. I made my mental health a business and refused to participate in working up this triviality. I recognized that mistakes are average and lowered my standards for myself. With this self-confidence, I fell asleep quickly and repeated the work in the morning, using the correct file format this time.

Before Recovery I would have called someone at the late hour to complain. That would not have been group minded and would have worked me up more. I would have accused myself instead of excused myself and made a mountain out of a molehill. But instead I used Dr. Low’s tools to make my mental health my top priority. For this I gave myself a hearty endorsement!

I endorsed for writing this post.

Valuing function over feeling

2009-10-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

We can function even with our anxious symptoms.

On the surface, this statement appears obvious. But when in the throes of a deep panic, it can be difficult to remember this extremely important lesson.

When I'm extremely anxious, the "stranger in the brain" warns me to not continue what I'm doing. Obviously, the task at hand is distressing, so it must be stopped, or so the brain reasons. But through Recovery I've learned that these thoughts are distressing but not dangerous and that thoughts and impulses can be controlled. I can move my muscles and complete the activity (washing dishes, closing a door, reading a book, and so on) and, by doing so, my muscles will reprogram the rattling brain.

I have been attending Recovery meetings for about six months now, and I'm pleased that Dr. Low's comments are starting to pop into my mind without much conscious effort. For example, the other day a co-worker's response to my e-mail caused an initial flare of temper. But instead of working it up, I quickly spotted my symptoms—and remembered that temper creates tenseness which leads to more symptoms. Within minutes the temper passed (And perhaps it's no surprise that I can't remember what that e-mail was about!). I apply the same principle when on the road. It's so easy to slam the horn when someone cuts you off or moves too slowly through an intersection, but the resulting "symbolic victory" is not worth the temper—and guilt—sure to follow.

I endorsed for writing this post.

Muscle power

2009-09-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

When I first entered Recovery, the concept of "moving the muscles" seemed foreign to me. But my group leader insisted that the "Muscles will reeducate the rattling brain." The idea seemed far-fetched, as I thought the problem was with my mind.

Yet I've come to realize that muscles are an intricate part of the recovery process. For example, when I suffered with checking obsessions and compulsions years ago, I realized that I could indeed control my muscles and not repeat checking the stove, door, or whatever had snagged my attention that day. At the time, though, I didn't realize that I was exerting control over my muscles, but this concept is much clearer to me now.

Controlling the muscles--whether it involves using arm and leg muscles to face a fear of driving, using your esophagus muscles to not vomit food considered "contaminated," and so on--also easily lends itself to endorsement, because commanding your muscles to carry out an action (or not) takes effort--effort that should be recognized. And for just about all of us, our muscles will obey our commands. If we tell our muscles to take us into a crowd, our muscles will not revolt. They will not hesitate. If the will commands them to do a task, they will do it. And that is a comforting thought!

I endorsed for writing this post.

Spotting "danger"

2009-08-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading chapter 40 in Mental Health Through Will-Training: "Failure to spot sentimentalism." In this section Dr. Low discusses the importance of having a secure outlook on life. Having a more confident and secure view of life is something I have struggled with for years. I always seem to find the "danger" in a situation—even the mundane aspects of daily living. You know, like forgetting to shut off a stove burner and the ensuring catastrophe I "know" would happen as a result (Although I have overcome that obsession, every so often it will cross my mind, but I strongly refuse to give it expression or duration). Much of my current "danger seeking" centers around perfectionism in both personal and professional life.

Yet when I apply Recovery tools I quickly see that these so-called dangers do not really exist, and that I can ride out these distressing—but not dangerous—symptoms by adjusting my thoughts and impluses—which are in my control. This attitude has helped me overcome my fears of riding in elevators and driving. Now, I look back at all the irrational thoughts I built into these activities and shake my head (but try to avoid feeling ashamed). It's a valuable lesson that I will be able to overcome my current fears.

I endorsed for writing this post.

Pesky, persistent symptoms

2009-08-15T07:32:00.000-07:00

I believe I have the will to bear discomfort.

And I’m trying to not work up my symptoms.

Yet my anxiety persists.

Someone recently asked me why I am not improving more quickly given my Recovery training. That made me stop and think. But I reminded her that my symptoms did not develop overnight, and they won’t disappear that quickly either.

Perhaps the way to orient myself to reality is to ask myself what I was like before learning about Recovery, as we do in every example at the group meetings. Before Recovery I was a lot less hopeful about living with anxiety. I’ve since learned that helplessness is not hopelessness. I’m beginning to understand that symptoms are just that—symptoms. It’s not how you feel, but how you function that counts. I try to not work myself up about uncomfortable sensations and feelings, as I can control only thoughts and emotions (the inner environment).

So I’ve made a lot of progress, and I’m looking forward to making more. :)

I endorsed for writing this post.

Trivialities

2009-08-07T05:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been pondering what exactly is a triviality. Dr. Low said there are no rights or wrongs in the trivialities of everyday life, so we should not let our fearful or angry temper take control in those situations.

In the current economic climate, is one's job a triviality? True, work is essential to daily living, and Dr. Low frequently commented on the importance of work. But in the grand scheme of our lives, is our current job really just a "triviality," not something to get worked up about? As I see layoffs mount and businesses fail, I have struggled with this question.

I worry about my employment status a lot. In fact, much of my daily distress centers around my work performance. I’ve been reminded that worrying accomplishes nothing, but controlling my fearful temper has been difficult. Any thoughts or tips from Dr. Low that can help?

I endorsed for writing this post! :)

Spot! Spot! Spot!

2009-08-01T04:39:00.000-07:00

When I'm whipped up into an anxious state or angry temper, it is so easy to forget Recovery training. But of course this is the exact time I need it the most. As Dr. Low pointed out, we must spot symptoms at their very onset:

"Clearly, the trigger symptom must be spotted before it has an opportunity to generate the panic and the vicious cycle. This is possible only if the spot diagnosis is established in the split second when the trigger reaction is born. Stating it otherwise, it means that the spot diagnosis must acquire a trigger quality."(1)

This is easier said than done. Yet I have found that as I practice Recovery, I learn to spot more frequently. Spotting doesn't remove the uncomfortable sensations, as we must wait for those to fall on their own. But it does help to control my reaction to them, as my thoughts and impulses are within my control.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;307.

Making mental health a business

2009-07-26T08:15:00.001-07:00

It's summer. The sky is sunny; I have a lot of yard projects; and every weekend there's a party somewhere. So finding time to read my Recovery books has been a challenge.

Yet, as my group leader often says, it doesn't matter if you read an entire chapter or just a paragraph—as long as you stay in the daily habit. I do become a little stressed about not finishing a chapter, but really that is quite silly (the "stranger in the brain" talking nonsense).

To make my mental health a business, as Dr. Low said, I really need to find some time to read Mental Health Through Will-Training more often! Hmm, maybe outside. :)

Annoyances

2009-07-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

This week I had an opportunity to put my Recovery skills into practice during a meeting. Someone was chewing his gum very loudly—smacking his lips and making more noise than I cared for. Then I glanced at my Recovery tools worksheet and noticed that Dr. Low said that people do things that annoy us, not necessarily to annoy us. That helped put the situation in perspective! I certainly didn't need a burst of temper at a Recovery meeting :) .

Being patient

2009-07-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

I think one of the most difficult aspects of recovering from anxiety is having patience. We want to get better now, so we often look for quick solutions to our chronic problems. But these problems rarely develop overnight and, thus, we can't expect they'll disappear quickly, either.

However, we can take steps to make our short-term situation more tolerable and our long-term outlook brighter. For example, my Recovery group leader emphasizes the importance of reading Mental Health Through Will-Training every day—even just a few sentences. Such constant reinforcement and discipline help us build the foundation for a healthier and less anxious life.

Seeing Recovery in action

2009-07-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

At my Recovery meeting this week, our leader noted that the group doesn’t aim to teach us—but rather demonstrate how to use the Recovery method to improve our mental health. This comment resonated with me. I’ve read plenty over the years about how to cope with crushing anxiety, but I never had much traction in improving my life. Sure, I’ve read many ways to deal with distressing symptoms, but putting them into action—and facing the discomfort in doing so—remained elusive. Yet at the Recovery meetings I look into the eyes of people just like me and hear how they use Dr. Low’s principles, and this real-life interaction has given me tremendous hope and help.

Recovery as a goal

2009-06-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

When we are anxious, we want instant relief. We feel awful, and we lament our situation to anyone who will listen. Learning to experience these feelings and not “blow them up” is an important part of Recovery training, I’ve learned. Being patient is essential, as well.

Accepting the notion that anxiety won’t go away overnight with a magic trick or cure is sobering news—yet empowering at the same time. It’s exciting to know that so many people have gotten better with continuous discipline and practice they’ve learned in Recovery. Sure, recovering from a mental illness is hard work, but many major life events can be achieved only by striving toward a long-term goal.

Everyday I find myself yearning for relief and comfort, but I now know that these are not the ultimate goal. Freeing myself from my distressing—but not dangerous symptoms—is what I really want, and learning to experience and not overreact to these feelings is how I’ll get there.

Distressing, but not dangerous

2009-06-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

One very important lesson I have learned in Recovery is that nervous symptoms can be tolerated. This is particularly powerful insight.

When we are extremely anxious, it feels like the whole world is spinning out of control—and that we are at the center of a narrowing emotional vortex. We often have the false impression that we cannot function and that we need to stop what we are doing that is scaring us.

But through reading Mental Health Through Will-Training (1) and attending Recovery meetings, I’ve learned that while uncomfortable sensations and feelings inevitably will flare up and cannot be controlled, my thoughts and reactions to them can be managed. Although I may feel very uncomfortable, these symptoms are distressing but not dangerous (a Recovery mantra). And I don’t have to buy into the notion that I am in any trouble or danger. I can accept these feelings for what they are but not get worked up about them.

This concept has helped me a lot over the past few days. In fact, I think I might have made a small breakthrough in my understanding of my condition.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;80-90.

Being average

2009-06-12T05:04:00.000-07:00

For a long time I thought nobody suffered like I do. My distressing symptoms made me feel very alone and isolated. Although I clearly knew that other people have anxiety problems, I usually mused that no one had them as bad as I did.

Through my Recovery training I’ve learned that not only is that belief false, but that my symptoms are average.

Dr. Low wrote at length about nervous people’s desire to be “exceptional.”(1) My take on his philosophy is that if we consistently give our feelings and sensations power and duration, they will become stronger, tighten their grip, and essentially control our lives. Instead, we need to acknowledge that what we experience are average symptoms for nervous people—and not blow them out of proportion.

Of course, some will have more intense symptoms than others, but there’s no need to consider ourselves different from our peers with mental illness. Thinking that way can lead to a senseless of hopelessness, and that certainly will not help us improve.

And there’s something comforting in being average. I don’t feel so different. I don’t feel so alone.

Reference1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;80-90.

Taking a detour around the danger zone

2009-06-05T15:06:00.001-07:00

Nervous people see a lot of danger in the world, especially in our own lives. Yet through my Recovery training I've learned a valuable lesson: Most, if not all, of what I fear is distressing but not dangerous. When I equate my uncomfortable feelings with danger, my symptoms worsen and can develop into a full-blown panic.

Dr. Abraham A. Low said we must continually "spot" our distressing feelings, recognizing them for what they are and not consider them dangerous—doing so only makes us more miserable. In fact, he encouraged us nervous people to recognize our "frightening inner experiences as being nothing but silly emotionalism or inane rationalizations."(1)

I've definitely recognized the value of this concept, but putting it to work has not been as easy. Yet I've been assured by my fellow Recovery members that practicing this constant spotting leads to results. So I'm marching forward with this "will to bear discomfort" and avoiding the highway to the danger zone.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;190.

A proactive approach to anxiety

2009-05-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

This week I did not attend a Recovery meeting because it was canceled due to the Memorial Day holiday. I was a bit disappointed, as I like the fellowship of being around people who understand me and my fears. So this week I’ve spent a lot of time reading Mental Health Through Will-Training (the Recovery “bible”).

This got me thinking about the importance of taking a proactive approach to fear and anxiety problems. We suffer for so long that when we find moments of relief, the last thing we want to do is read about how to get better (See my Shelfari shelf on this page) or talk to people about our issues. But ironically that is indeed what we need to do.

I’m not saying we should analyze our problems. In fact, a Recovery principle is that “to talk it up is to work it up.” But we do need to make our mental health our top priority (another Recovery principle [this one more abstract]: Mental health is a business, not a game). And I’m finding that socializing with people like me is an important way to boost my confidence in my ability to get better.

HOW to get better

2009-05-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

My counselor recently shared with me three core tenets of AA: honesty, openness, and willingness to change (HOW). These are essential building blocks for overcoming anxiety disorders:

We must be honest with ourselves and admit that we have a mental illness.
We must be open to trying new behaviors, techniques, therapies, medications, and support groups.
And we must be willing to do hard work, challenging ourselves to confront and overcome our longstanding fears.

I was not always in a HOW state of mind. For too long I just suffered and clinged to any moment of serenity I could come by. But now I'm ready to have the "courage to make mistakes" and ready to abandon my "passion for self-distrust"(1) in order to achieve recovery and a more mentally healthy life.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;145-9.

Take some comfort in being uncomfortable

2009-05-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

A lot—most?—of us want our anxieties to simply disappear. Thus, some turn to meds in hope of a quick cure but usually are disappointed that they are not panaceas. We just want to be calm, at peace, and relaxed, yet we torture ourselves daily with fears, obsessions, and compulsions.

Yet the path to a calmer life actually involves learning to endure discomfort—to acknowledge and face our fears and deal with them. Abraham A. Low, MD, called this THE WILL TO BEAR DISCOMFORT. (It's such an important concept that he wrote it in all caps.)(1)

Dr. Low noted that our culture worships comfort, so it is against our social upbringing to do something uncomfortable. He lamented the "cult of comfort" in 1950, and it's even more active today (A point expressed in last year's WALL-E). Note how he wrote that a patient must endure discomfort to overcome his fear of handwriting:

"And once he learned to be uncomfortable without wincing, he gained confidence and passed on to his muscles the assurance that writing was possible, though uncomfortable."(1)

Of course, once we face our fears and indeed do what is uncomfortable, these tasks eventually will become easier and, in fact, comfortable.

This is tremendous, life-changing insight! I'm surprised Dr. Low's chapter on this topic is only five pages. But it's so simple, yet profound, that it makes complete sense.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;145-9.

A bit too creative

2009-05-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

We anxious people are creative—maybe too creative. Our minds dream up all sorts of doomsday scenarios that terrorize us for hours on end. But ultimately how many of these horrible situations have actually occurred in your life? Of all my obsessions, ruminations, constant thoughts, and worries, I’m not sure that any of consequence have ever come to fruition.

I particularly like what Abraham A. Low, MD, had to say on this:

"Unable to resist its suggestions, the patient becomes the victim of his imagination. An incessant stream of insecurity suggestions is poured forth with rapid-fire velocity, leading to a continuous succession of wrong opinions, conclusions and decisions."(1)

Sound familiar?

So the past few days when I have felt anxious over one of my “predictions” I have told myself that my overactive imagination is at work. I’ve found it comforting to label my worries this way. It isn’t a cure-all, but it does bring a little relief—and any amount of inner peace is welcome.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;38.

Recovery meeting—first impressions

2009-05-05T16:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to my first mental health support group—a Recovery, Inc., meeting. I knew nothing about this organization, although I know a lot about the mental health consumer recovery movement in general.

Recovery, Inc., is based on the work of Abraham A. Low, MD. We listened to the audiotape of one of his lectures, which was kinda difficult to follow because he uses a lot of "fancy" language. But every so often a nugget of knowledge would jump out at me and I'd see how what he was saying applied to my life. Yesterday's meeting focused on "temper" and why it's more important to stay cool and calm than argue with someone over something trivial. Anger certainly exacerbates anxiety, so I found the meeting useful—especially the group discussion after the lecture.

I bought one of Dr. Low's books and intend to read it. The group members were very friendly, so I intend to go back next week. Maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for me.

Time to really get serious

2009-05-03T08:18:00.001-07:00

I've been doing a lot lately to tackle my anxiety, but it hasn't been enough. Now, with some major life changes looming, I need to ramp up my recovery efforts. Of course, it's easy to get caught in the "anxiety-relief-forget mode," in which dealing with anxiety isn't as easy as just trying to forget about it once it passes.

I'm not talking about "attacking" my anxious feelings, as I think that mind-set can be counterproductive. I'm talking about being even more proactive in dealing with this disease. On the top of my list is really changing my thinking. I trust myself can no longer be just a note on a flashcard I occassionally look at. It must be a mantra that I incorporate into the very fiber of my being.

And there's no better time to start than right now!

Support groups

2009-04-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

I've decided to try an in-person support group. Finding one has not been easy, and I live in a large city. I haven't found one specifically for generalized anxiety disorder, so I am going to try a Recovery, Inc., group, which helps people with all sorts of mental problems. They have a lot of active groups in my area, such as this one. If you've had any experience with this organization, I'd love to hear about it. I did look into Emotions Anonymous, but it is too spiritually based for me. Finally, I did apply for Compeer, a mentoring program, but my local chapter is very slow at responding to inquiries (and completely ignored one of my relatives). So finding "offline" support has not been easy, but I hope it's worth it.

Mistaken thinking

2009-04-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

One of my biggest fears is making mistakes. I become really upset about this. I've taken perfectionism to an extreme, and in my life the "perfect is the enemy of the good." But when I am feeling anxious, I try to remember (flashcards help) that I can give myself permission to not be perfect, that it's OK to make mistakes, that to err is normal—and is part of being human.

Sharing our stories

2009-04-22T18:28:00.001-07:00

There's such a stigma attached to mental illness that it's difficult to share our stories. I find myself withholding details even in my blog. But anytime you share your story with someone you are taking a courageous step, and one that helps people realize that we are normal, even if we have a health problem. It's even tough for people who work in the mental healthcare field to share their stories. Check out this article for some inspiring tales.

A series of unfortunate events

2009-04-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

Several unfortunate events have happened to me lately. My car has been acting up, costing me $200 in unexpected repairs. My favorite pants ripped. I have an ugly strain of grass growing in my newly seeded lawn. Surprisingly, these problems are not stressing me out. What is making me anxious are all the "silly" things I worry could happen. I clearly can handle the present, so why should I worry about the future?

Mirror, Mirror

2009-04-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

In the first Lord of the Rings movie, Galadriel shows Frodo a mirror that displays "things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass." Thankfully, there's no such mirror outside Middle Earth. In fact, perhaps mirrors can be a visible reminder that only the present really matters. A mirror shows only what is happening now, and that's how we need to live: free from the past, and not worried about the future.

Embracing the present

2009-04-11T13:03:00.001-07:00

I am reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I found these words particularly powerful:

Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry--all forms of fear--are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.(1)

I'm only half way through this book, but I'm finding it very powerful. It isn't specifically written for people with anxiety problems, but every word rings true for people like us.

Reference
1. Tolle E. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Novato, Calif.: Namaste Publishing; 2004: 61.

A soothing video

2009-03-30T18:35:00.001-07:00

I am finding some meditation videos to be too "new agey" for my taste. Here's one I like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtqeomC_0ko

It's quiet, and soothing.

Trying meditation

2009-03-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try meditating. At first, it seemed daunting, as I'm always so busy. But I read at the Mayo Clinic's site that it doesn't have to be a big time commitment to pay off. Here's a meditation video I just tried: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/meditation/MM00623. Give it a shot. It only takes a few minutes, and I found it soothing. The real test is whether I can stick with it during the week! Do you have any online meditation videos to share?

One of THOSE days

2009-02-28T06:08:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I had one of those days. You probably know them—the "freakout" days where bad news exacerbates your anxiety. I knew I was in a tailspin and for a while did not want to stop it. Finally, I realized this was counterproductive to my mental health. I sat in my office chair, took some deep breaths, and told myself that I had had enough. Amazingly, it worked. So I rewarded myself with cupcakes last night. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself! :)

I need to relax!

2009-02-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

I need to de-stress, big time. Lately, I've been extremely negative, tense, anxious, and angry. The latter is troublesome, as I'm lashing out over the stupidest things (like my DSL being down). I've been way too high strung, and that certainly isn't helping me to be less anxious. Worse, I've been so busy at work, putting in 10- to 11-hour days, that I simply haven't found time to relax. Tonight that's the #1 priority!

My perfectionist scaffolding

2009-02-07T05:33:00.001-08:00

I am a perfectionist.

I'm not proud of this, as perfectionism is a basis for a lot (most?) of the anxiety in my life. Being a perfectionist is exhausting, and I never feel fulfilled.

Well, enough of that! Seeing the world through perfectionist spectacles leads to unhappiness and chronic negativity, as nothing is ever perfect enough.

This past week I've been trying to dial down my perfectionist tendencies. It's not easy, as they are so ingrained in my personality and a big part of my anxiety disorder. So I'm using the "shrug my shoulders" technique.

For example, say I'm upset because I painted a room with semigloss paint instead of flat (long story :). I shrug my shoulders and say, "Oh well. It's good enough," moving on to something else. Of course, one side of my brain is screaming and demanding more analysis, evaluation, and remedying action, but I'm starting to listen to a quieter voice (that's been there all along) saying, "You know what? It's OK. You're OK. It's time to move on."

Perfectionism is the scaffolding holding up my anxiety framework. Once I remove enough bolts the whole complex will come crashing down and the real, authentic, recovered, anxiety-free me will be standing tall.

A taste of recovery

2009-01-31T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a taste of recovery.

I did activities that make me anxious but pushed forward through them. If someone interrupted me, I continued on. If I felt like starting over, I didn't. When my mind was cloudy and my vision blurry, I told myself that was OK. And here and there, I started to have some clarity—some glimpses of what it would be like without all this anxiety.

I got a lot done yesterday, and I feel good about that. If my anxiety impaired my performance, then oh well! I did the best that I could. Even though I was anxious yesterday, I know I made progress, and that was a great way to start the weekend!

Ending self-torture

2009-01-28T13:25:00.000-08:00

Living with anxiety is self-torture. We constantly worry, check ourselves, and obsess over some things and, eventually, everything. Well, I'm getting out of the business of this self-torture. I've tired of abusing my mind with these endless thoughts and worries.

Of course, it's not as easy as saying "That's enough!" and Poof! anxiety disappears. But I think resetting our attitude toward ourselves and our mental health is part of our recovery. This hasn't been easy for me, to accept the unknown and the supposed risks. But I have to do it to get better.

This means just doing what I have to do and dealing with the anxiety without letting it overwhelm me. This is scary, and it's difficult. But it's the only real path to recovery I see. Giving these thoughts any more credibility won't help.

A so-so week

2009-01-24T05:34:00.000-08:00

When I was anxious this week, I thought to myself, I'm OK. I'm a good person. I do a good job. This hasn't been easy to do, but it has helped me to push through the things I need to get done.

Also, about a week ago some OCD behaviors started to creep back, such as with washing the dishes or checking the thermostat (I hate to do the latter!). They haven't gotten too bad yet, and I'm determined to not let these behaviors return.

All in all, it wasn't a bad week. I think I'm not buying into my catastrophic thinking as much, so that is certainly progress!

Being ok

2009-01-18T15:44:00.000-08:00

My counselor has an interesting theory on why I have so much anxiety in my life: It boils down to not being ok with myself—and all the "imperfections" and "flaws" that make me, well, me!

I know I don't value myself. I don't abuse my body with alcohol, tobacco, or drugs, but I do abuse my mind and spirit with negative thinking. For too long I've defined my self-concept on how I perceive others view me and, being an anxious person, I always assume the worse. Although I'm 30 years old, I've never become comfortable in my own skin, and I've focused on having the perfect home, the perfect body, the perfect job so that others would approve of me.

So no wonder I'm anxious! Too much of my life has been spent focusing on what others think of me (actually, what I think they think!). My internal "critical" voice has become too strong at the expense of my "nurturing" voice.

My counselor believes my anxieties and obsessions at any given time are just the latest flashpoints reflective of a deeper internal struggle to accept and love myself. It admittedly sounds kinda airy fairy, but it makes sense. If I pay more attention to my nurturing voice, find time for me to relax, make myself and mental health the real priorities, and not worry about what I think other people are thinking, my anxiety should decrease.

This is a deep concept, and I hope this post makes some sense. Could overcoming anxiety be as simple—but difficult—as truly feeling OK, authentically believing I am a valuable, worthy, lovable, good person?

Feeling 'stuck'

2009-01-17T07:07:00.001-08:00

I feel "stuck." I'm highly motivated to live a less anxious life, and I'm taking steps to do so: seeing a counselor, using flashcards, writing this blog. Yet my anxiety is not decreasing as rapidly as I would like. I want anxiety to stop now, and I want to feel better immediately.

However, I must remember that these problems didn't develop overnight, and they're not going to disappear that quickly either. Overcoming anxiety is a day-by-day journey, and every step down the path to a less anxious life puts me another foot closer to that goal.

Music—another anxiety buster

2009-01-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

A couple posts ago, I wrote about the power of laughter in reducing anxiety. I've thought of another guaranteed anxiety reducer: listening to music.

When I'm really anxious or just having a bad day, I like to turn on some cheesy '80s pop or dance music to take my mind elsewhere. Even though I might not feel like it, I'll even sing along (a great way to reduce that shortness of breath feeling anxiety often brings). My current counselor even told me I should sing in the shower in the morning to "start the day right." I readily admit that I'm not a vocalist, but I do find getting revved up by a favorite song to be a great anxiety buster.

Reducing anxiety essentially is about getting back to living—laughing, singing, and enjoying company. Anxiety robs us of all that. We must take our lives back!

Ending the worrying about worrying

2009-01-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

I overreact when I'm anxious. When I feel those all-too-familiar feelings creep in, not only am I experiencing anxiety, but I become upset that I'm anxious. I start worrying about worrying!

One of the most distressing symptoms I suffer with when I'm anxious is blurred vision and a feeling of depersonalization—feeling "out of touch with reality." I become upset about feeling this way, so I end up fueling the anxiety fire:

Doing certain tasks makes me extremely anxious.
When I'm so anxious my vision becomes blurry and it's difficult to concentrate.
I become upset that my vision is blurry and my mind is cloudy, and I fear these symptoms will impact my performance.
Thus, my anxiety level continues to increase.

In the spirit of a new me for a new year, on Monday I tried adopting a new way of thinking. Instead of becoming very upset about these distressing symptoms, I'm trying to remain calm (The opposite of what an anxious mind screams at us to do). After all, I have an anxiety disorder. That's reality, and I can't wish it away. These uncomfortable sensations are part of this disease. I'm doing what I need to do and if I make a mistake because my vision is blurred or thinking somewhat impaired, then oh well! Worrying about these symptoms certainly won't change the outcome and, in fact, will only make me more anxious.

I'm trying to take away the power anxiety has over my life. By attempting to label my anxious feelings as "no big deal," I'm hoping their intensity eventually will decrease. This strategy seems to be working, but it's by no means easy.

Laugh therapy

2009-01-03T06:44:00.001-08:00

Today I stumbled across the Web site of L.A.U.G.H. with OCD, a support group in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Its home page presents a powerful and important message: Having a good sense of humor can help people with anxiety disorders overcome their fears.

When is the last time you had a really hearty laugh, in which you burst into tears, snorted, or couldn't catch your breath? If it hasn't been awhile, call a funny friend or watch one of your favorite comedies. When we're laughing, we're not caught up in all these useless fears and anxieties, at least for the moment. And the more joy we can introduce into our lives, the less anxious we'll be.

Liking myself

2009-01-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

I am a perfectionist. Some would see that as a valuable attribute, but it's a curse. I find faults everywhere, especially in myself. And when I see myself as flawed and not "good enough," I become extremely anxious.

So I'm redoubling my effort to love and accept myself. That sounds kinda cheesy, but I have to do this.

My counselor says learning to authentically value myself—including my "flaws"—will help reduce my anxiety. She asked me the other day to name three things I like about myself, and I struggled to come up with one. When she asked me to name three things I don't like about myself, it was hard to stop at three! Anxiety was at the top of that list.

Yet if I truly accept myself, "flaws" and all, perhaps I'll be less anxious going forward. I need to discover what I like about myself, as this, instead of my supposed "flaws," should be foremost in my mind.

Finding joy

2009-01-01T08:30:00.000-08:00

We people with anxiety are hard on ourselves, always beating ourselves up for feelings and emotions we never asked for and certainly don't want to continue. We are far too often upset, edgy, and moody, so it's hard to have fun and let go. Yet finding joy in life is exactly what we must do to live less anxious lives!

At The Gold Puppy the blogger wrote yesterday:

"As a little girl, my fabulous niece Tovah resolved to 'eat more cake.' Now that's a resolution I can get behind. 'Have more fun,' 'Don't work so much,' 'Goof off.'"

This is great advice (dare I say golden :) for anyone—particularly people with anxiety disorders. Life doesn't have to be so dismal all the time. In fact, the more joy we create for ourselves, the less anxious we'll be!

'09 resolution: Boost self-esteem

2008-12-31T06:12:00.000-08:00

Obviously, one of my New Year's resolutions is to be less anxious in '09. Part of my strategy involves boosting my self-esteem. My counselor sees my low self-esteem and self-worth as feeding into my anxiety. This makes sense, especially since I have a lot of anxiety about "failing" in life. So I'm ending '08 and beginning '09 with a self-commitment to appreciate and value myself.

Emotional magnifier

2008-12-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

I have found that being continously anxious can be an emotional magnifier. Since I'm keyed up all the time, I overreact to situations other people would handle more calmly.

For example, when a friend arrives a half-hour late, most people would find that irritating—but not a huge deal. For me, ever worrying and always "on," the emotion is "amplified," and I make a late arrival much more of an issue than it should be! So calming my anxiety is key to not overreacting in all other aspects of life.

Finding support

2008-12-26T06:37:00.000-08:00

At Anxiety, Panic and Health I found a link to an online chat/bulletin board Web site called AnxietyZone. I'm enjoying posting comments there—and it has enough users that you get multiple responses :) I'm also checking out Compeer, a "real world" mentoring program for people with mental illnesses.

Trust

2008-12-23T16:13:00.000-08:00

I think one of the most difficult aspects of tackling my fears and anxieties is learning to trust myself. Trusting my eyes to see what is there, trusting my brain to accurately interpret the world, trusting that everything probably will be OK, as it usually is. For people with OCD, this can be particularly challenging, as we don't trust what are eyes are showing us. We can look at something 2, 10, 10,000 times and still see something wrong with it, even though we know on an intellectual level that there isn't anything amiss. I am learning to trust myself, but it has not been easy. But if I can't trust myself, who can I trust?

Distorted reality

2008-12-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was talking with someone who has OCD fairly severely. What I found particularly interesting about this conversation is that she easily could "see through" my anxieties and fears to a more rationale, less "anxiety clouded" future. In the same way, I saw through her rituals and behaviors and could point out their disconnect to reality.

Anxiety and fear warp our minds. We lose perspective of what's real, what could happen, and what actually will happen.

I am very fearful of the future, but I'm trying to find ways to embrace a more positive and optimistic outlook. That's hard to do in this economy, so step one might be limiting my access to the news (of course bad news sells). I spend a lot of time reading the news (not because of anxiety, but because I am a "news junkie"), but maybe I'll focus a little more on myself and my wellness next year.

Hmm, time to start thinking about those New Year's resolutions!

Don't fight it

2008-12-20T06:10:00.000-08:00

I read a great post at Anxiety, Panic and Health today about not "fighting" anxiety. I highly recommend it.

Mind Block

2008-12-20T05:56:00.001-08:00

I am trying to find some relief through an exercise I call "mind block." I respond to a particularly nagging anxious thought by saying to myself (or outloud) "mind block!" It seems to be working. The "toxic" thought remains in my brain, but I'm replacing it with another, hopefully stronger, one to prevent it from "getting through" and making me even more anxious. Just a little trick I'm experimenting with.

Jealousy

2008-12-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

It's amazing just how much anxiety can transform your life. For many, this condition can make normally mundane tasks, such as reading, eating, driving, walking, and so on, excruciatingly difficult.

Consequentially, sometimes I look at those without this condition with jealousy. Their lives seem so much easier than mine.

Of course, the targets of my envy could have their own mental health problems or other life complications. Yet when I'm really anxious and I see people casually doing activities that drive me crazy, I can't help but envy their freedom from the "managed hell" I experience every day.

Just do it

2008-12-02T17:46:00.001-08:00

Today I had to do things that make me uncomfortable, that make me anxious. They're things that I have to do everyday, in fact. But no matter how awful I feel, I do them, as I don't want to give into fear anymore. A short post, but an important message?

It's hard to stop a train

2008-12-01T18:00:00.001-08:00

A useful concept my current counselor taught me is to consider, What way is the train heading? When you're anxious, it's easy to lose sight of your progress. It's easy to feel defeated.

Yet recovery is a journey. Anxiety usually doesn't develop overnight, so neither will problems dissipate as quickly as we would hope. So consider where you are in your recovery process—are you taking healthy steps to feel better? If so, you probably are headed in the right direction.

Your "train" may slow down at times, but with hard work you can keep it chugging toward your destination—a healthier, less anxious life. It's not easy to stop, let alone turnaround, a train, so if you stay on track, you will reach your goal.

Morning anxiety

2008-11-30T07:37:00.000-08:00

I found an interesting blog post on morning anxiety, a phenonomen I experience. For some reason, my anxiety is usually worse before noon (on weekdays), and by the end of the day activities that make me very anxious in the morning aren't as anxiety provoking. It's comforting to know that other people have the same experience.

Flashcards

2008-11-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of counselors. Graduate students, PhDs, LSWS—I think maybe more than ten in ten years. I've learned something from each one (Well, except the guy who wanted to cure me in six sessions to appease my insurance). One counselor who had anxiety problems herself was really helpful, but she decided to focus her practice on spirituality and relationships, so we had to part ways.

One thing they've all told me about is the importance of flashcards. Basically, on index cards you write inspiring and hopeful messages to counter negative and anxious thoughts. For example:

I am perfectly imperfect—and that's OK!
I trust myself.
So what if I'm feeling anxious. This feeling will pass.
Good for you for taking this head on and having the courage to do this.

When anxious, you review your flashcards, and you do this over and over. The goal is to reprogram your brain to accept these messages to replace the anxious ones. Or at least that's how I understand it.

For a long time, I did not like flashcards. They just seemed to gimmicky to me. I wanted to take a pill and be free from anxiety. It took me a long time to realize that overcoming anxiety is not that easy. Medication can help some folks manage the symptoms, but overcoming anxiety also requires hard work. Brain work.

Finally, two months ago I decided to give flashcards a shot. At first, my response was very negative: This isn't going to work. But every time I was anxious, I would refer to them—a quick "reality check" from that flood of anxious thoughts. It took time, but now I'm starting to believe those hopeful messages. I carry my flashcards with me and refer to them quite frequently. I add new cards when I think of uplifting messages.

I wish I would have taken my counselors' advice about flashcards earlier. But that's the odd thing about living with anxiety (at least for me): You learn to live with it, and are skeptical of being free from it, even when people try to help. But instead of letting anxiety influence so much of my life, I now want to focus on living instead of anxiety.

Hi

2008-11-29T07:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks for visiting my blog. Here I decided to share some thoughts on living with anxiety. It is not easy! I have been an anxious person most of my life, including childhood. I have struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety. These problems run in my family.

I'm not sure what I want to accomplish with this blog. Maybe it will be just cathartic for me. Maybe somebody else will relate to my struggles, and we'll start a dialogue. We'll see where it goes. Just writing this blog makes me feel anxious, but learning to tolerate and live through these feelings is part of the process of freeing oneself from fear.

I'm emphasizing living in this blog's title. I am not letting anxiety shut me down. No matter how difficult life is, I'm not going to let it win. Being hopeful is an important part of the healing process.