Recently a friend confided in me that he is having problems
with his significant other. He wants him to be more loving, more talkative,
more giving, and so on. When I suggested that he was asking his partner to be exceptional, he was surprised by my
observation. I reminded him that Dr. Low says we should not expect the
exceptional from ourselves and others, and we would forgo much misery if we
accepted others (and ourselves) for their average.
This sounds simple but can be difficult in practice. We are
disappointed when someone doesn’t meet our expectations, but we need to step
back and evaluate whether those expectations were reasonable. In my friend’s
case, if his partner was not customarily affectionate, why should he raise his
temper and develop angry/nervous symptoms for expecting him to be more
affectionate? Dr. Low says we do not need to accept relationships we find
unfulfilling, but we will avoid much misery and personal turmoil if we
acknowledge people’s averages and do not expect—or demand—them to be
exceptional.
We need to apply this concept to ourselves, too. For
example, I am usually nervous when an airplane takes off. That’s my average. I
would be employing exceptional thinking if I expected otherwise. So instead of
working myself up and developing angry/nervous systems over being anxious, I
should accept that these sensations are normal—that is, average—for me, remind myself that feelings are not facts, and practice
forced objectivity by focusing on a book during takeoff. Over time this
practice likely will change my average experience, and I will have a new
average in which I don’t give plane rides a second thought. In the meantime,
though, why should I get angry at myself for experiencing average sensations?
Why should I feel disappointed or angry at myself for not meeting an
exceptional standard?
Dr. Low’s concept of averageness is one of his most powerful
teachings. It’s counterintuitive to our inclination to want to change people or
constantly demand more from ourselves. We do not have to accept abusive
situations or relationships that are unfulfilling, and we should strive to
improve our long-term average when we are dissatisfied with our current
performance. But in the meantime recognizing that others and ourselves
generally adhere to average patterns can help us avoid anger and fear that
otherwise cloud our lives and disrupt our well-being.
