Everybody has fear--not everyone develops a vicious cycle

Ah, wouldn’t it be wonderful to live without fear? I think this is a common fantasy for nervous people. In fact, when we observe people around us, we often think that these “normal” people must have such “easy” lives, free from the tortures we experience every day.

Yet Dr. Low reminds us that fear is a normal, healthy emotion:

“How can you live in this world—or in any other world it seems to me—without having fear? If you have no fear, this means you have no capacity to feel what is going on. If you have no fear, then I doubt whether you will have loved. I doubt it. You see, that sounds very attractive to be without fear, but that can’t be done. If you are without fear, then you are not human. Then you are angelic perhaps and saintly, but I told you what I want you to be: average, human and not saintly.” (1, 75)

Dr. Low elaborates on the difference between nervous people and other folks:

“[T]he average person has fears, and headaches, and numbness, and develops a palpitation here and a pressure there, but if he feels average, then he takes it for granted that this is coming to him and therefore doesn’t work himself up over it. If he feels average, he will not blame himself for having palpitations, not even for having the feeling that he is dying away. He will simply take it for granted that he is an average human being with the average human limitations.” (1, 75)

We nervous people attach danger to palpitations, blurry vision, tightened chests, rapid breathing, and other “everyday” symptoms, and thus we work ourselves up into vicious cycles. Eliminating that belief in danger is what will free us from the discomfort associated with these symptoms.

So lately when my eyes are blurry and my breathing shallow (“old friends” of mine) I stop what I’m doing and remind myself that no danger is involved in the activity, that the feelings and sensations may be distressing but are not dangerous. I command my muscles (eyes, lungs) to carry out the task at hand (reading, breathing). And when it’s complete I heartily endorse myself—not for the outcome, whatever that may be, but for the effort I invested in improving my mental health.

Reference
1. Low AA. Manage Your Fears, Manage Your Anger: A Psychiatrist Speaks. Willett; Glencoe, Ill.: 1995.

The power of secure thinking

I often have written that thoughts of danger are what drive and underlie our nervous symptoms. I recently reread some of Dr. Low’s remarks that illustrate this point eloquently:

“Nervous symptoms are the result of tenseness, and if you ‘spot them as distressing but not dangerous,’ you dismiss the idea of danger; and without the thought of danger in your brain, you feel safe; and if you feel safe, you relax; and if you relax, you lose your tenseness; and with tenseness gone, the symptom disappears.” (1, 140)

At first blush this sounds too good to be true—can it really be that simple? The hard truth is, yes, we are buying into (or, as Dr. Low would say, “pampering”) thoughts of danger. This is at the root of our symptoms. As Dr. Low notes:

“[T]he fundamental principle of Recovery [is] that symptoms can be conquered by means of simple and innocent procedures initiated by the patient, i.e., through self-help.” (1, 126)

We all suffer from nervous sensations and feelings—they make us so uncomfortable. Of course, we can’t simply change them at a moment’s notice. “Feelings and sensations cannot be stopped, calmed or controlled by deliberate effort,” Dr. Low says, adding, “thoughts and impulses alone are subject to control” (1, 136). Thus, embrace secure thoughts and your feelings and sensations will adjust accordingly.

This doesn’t happen at the drop of a hat at first, but as one of Dr. Low’s patients remarked:

“You can throw off any nervous symptom at any time for a few seconds or minutes if you spot them as distressing but not dangerous. The symptom will come back in the next minute or so. But you can get rid of it again for a short while, and then again and again. And before long, you will be rid of the trouble for hours or for the days. The symptom will return and keep returning, but in the end, you will bring it under control by plugging away at it.... That was hard for me to believe. It just didn’t seem to make sense that an awful head pressure would disappear if I made an effort to spot it. But I can tell you that when I have these symptoms now, all I have to do is practice Dr. Low’s rule, and before long, they are gone.” (1, 139)

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. 3rd ed. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett, 1997.

Dealing with 'little worries'

I don't like being uncomfortable, and anxiety makes me feel very uncomfortable. I especially worry about making mistakes. Ironically, my fears center around trivialities, such as misspelling a word in an e-mail, bumbling a calculation when balancing my checkbook, misplacing a bill, and so on. All of these "little worries" add up to one chronically stressed, uptight individual.

However, Dr. Low reminds us that mistakes made in trivial matters are themselves trivial. In my encounters with other nervous people, I've noticed how we often sweat the small stuff but can handle life's larger challenges.

For example, we're more likely to panic over misspelling our name on a college application rather than making the big decision to attend a college. I've also noted that in true emergencies many, if not most, of us react just fine, with a cool head and calm demeanor.

So as we work our way through our own recovery journeys, perhaps we should keep our focus on the little things, those everyday events that we can change our attitude toward. While our overall "big" goal is a long-term reduction in our symptoms, in the meantime we can make progress by focusing on prioritizing our mental health during all of the little challenges of life--and endorsing ourselves for every little victory.

Making our mental health a business

Recently I learned some news from a co-worker that upset me. Oh, it wasn't anything critical--a project I am involved in is scheduled to be completed sooner than I anticipated. I developed an angry temper because I learned the information second-hand, without hearing directly from the project manager.

I experienced several emotions. I was fearful that this project was moving forward ahead of schedule. I was angry for not being told directly of the change of plans. And as I rehearsed in my head plans to confront the project manager, I felt the need to vent my frustration.

However, I made a firm command to my muscles to not speak up at the next meeting. Recognizing the situation for what it was--a triviality--I decided to make my mental health my top priority and simply roll with the new schedule. While in former days I would have expressed my opinion passionately, I now realize that would not be very group minded. I excused instead of accused the project manager, and once the meeting finished I endorsed myself for not making a mountain out of a molehill.

We nervous people often want to speak up when we feel we have been "wronged," but in doing so the outcome is rarely satisfaction. Instead, in such a bid for a symbolic victory we usually feel embarrassed, guilty, or fearful afterward, analyzing what we said and why we said it. Dr. Low does remind us to not be "doormats," but to express ourselves with "culture" (that is, politely) if we feel the need to confront someone. Because in the end venting our feelings is not worth it if it costs us progress toward achieving better mental health. And at work this truly means making our mental health a business.

Reading anxiety

The other day I had to read an important document. Well, “important” might be too strong of an adjective, but it was something I did need to read carefully. When I began the task my symptoms—an “old friend”—showed up. My vision became blurry and my breathing was shallow. I feared making a mistake, missing something important; my thinking was very insecure.

Then I began to spot that it is average to make mistakes—and it takes courage to make them. I reminded myself that it is not how we feel, but how we function that counts. Although my inclination was to not read this document, I had an obligation to do so, and I wasn’t going to let uncomfortable symptoms get in the way.

I muddled through the task. I didn’t feel great, but I endorsed myself. Before Recovery I would start a project like this; feel anxious; start over; feel more anxious; start over yet again—and something that should take ten minutes would take four torturous hours. Now, though, I have skills learned through Recovery training to deal with uncomfortable feelings and not let them run my life.

The importance of meetings

Many people with anxiety have tried many different outlets to achieve relief: multiple therapists, different pharmacologic combinations, self-help books. While all of these have their own importance in recovery, Recovery (capital R) offers an essential ingredient to true healing: meetings with peers.

Before Recovery, I had tried many different ways to achieve relief. But what really set me on a path to better mental health was making the effort to attend a group meeting weekly. Although visiting a therapist is important, most of us don't have the luxury of seeing a professional once a week. But in Recovery you can attend a meeting (in person, on the phone, or online) every day if you like. Simply showing up is an act worth endorsing for, as are commenting on examples and giving your own. Being around people who share similar fears, angers, anxieties, and frustrations is a powerful experience and is a continual reminder that we are not exceptional; our symptoms are indeed average; and relief can and will be achieved.

You can read all the self-help books you like, including Dr. Low's, but without having a constant reminder to act on the advice the changes probably won't stick for very long. That's why attending meetings is so important. Dr. Low reminds us that changes to the brain are made "through the muscles," including making the effort to attend a meeting through getting in the car, picking up the phone, and/or logging on to the Internet--even when we don't particularly feel like it, or when we would rather be doing something else, or when we feel that we don't need meetings anymore. It takes effort to improve our lives, and attending Recovery meetings is a relatively simple--but powerful--way to improve our mental health.

Endorse for the effort, not the outcome

Our main goal, of course, is to eliminate nervous symptoms and temper from our lives. All too often we become frustrated, though, when despite our best efforts, they will not go away. We become discouraged and wonder what we are doing “wrong.”

Dr. Low, however, reminds us frequently that we cannot control feelings and sensations—only thoughts and impulses. We must allow our feelings and sensations to rise and fall on their own, using our spotting techniques to reduce their intensity and duration. And perhaps the most important lesson here is to remember to endorse for the effort but not the outcome.

At a recent Recovery meeting, a fellow group member shared her experience of using the Recovery method but not achieving the results she wanted as quickly as she desired. At some point she said she finally "got it" and her symptoms began to abate more quickly. She wasn’t sure what prompted her eureka moment, but I think I know the answer: It’s when she started to endorse for the effort—for spotting, for making her mental health a priority, for learning to endure uncomfortable feelings and sensations without making them into an emergency—and not the outcome (i.e., immediate cessation of symptoms).

Dr. Low stresses that we should give ourselves a pat on the back not because our symptoms are reduced, but more because we are doing something about them. And the more we provide ourselves with these “mini-rewards” for making our mental health a business, indeed the more quickly our symptoms will lessen. But if we focus on the symptoms themselves, we miss the fundamentals of truly becoming well: Changing our lives takes practice, patience, and perseverance. Thus, we celebrate when symptoms reside, but we endorse for all of the work we do along the way.