I am continually amazed how Recovery has improved my life.
Although I still suffer with fearful temper, I now have the tools to handle and
muddle through situations that at one time would have been paralyzing. For
example, I have a history of being a “checker.” Checking the locks, checking to
make sure the stove is off, rereading documents multiple times, opening
envelopes to make sure I really did put the letter inside—I would repeat these
and many other activities ad nauseam every day.
In Recovery, however, I learned to let go of insecure
thoughts and behaviors such as repetitive checking. Dr. Low taught me to be
self-led instead of symptom-led. Perhaps most important of all, I have
developed the courage to make mistakes. When I learned about this Recovery
tool, I had an epiphany. I have long been a perfectionist. The idea that I
could actually accept the fact that I will make errors and mistakes was so
foreign to me. Yet doing so lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders, as it is
not easy trying to be perfect! It indeed takes courage to stop listening to all
of the warnings in your brain that something is wrong. I had to give up my
passion for self-distrust and actively challenge thoughts that previously kept
me in an endless cycle of doubt and worry.
I had to accept that I should not strive to be a
perfectionist. I should strive to be average. Our society does not have a high
view of “average” people. But I’d rather be mentally healthy and average than
perfect and miserable.
Of course, every now and then I find myself wanting to check
something. That’s average. Usually my Recovery tools help me fight the urge and
move onto something else. Even if I have a moment of weakness I know that I
should excuse, rather than accuse, myself. All of these Recovery tools have
made daily living so much more enjoyable, an outcome I thought for a long time
I could only achieve by being perfect.
