The burden of trying to be perfect

I am continually amazed how Recovery has improved my life. Although I still suffer with fearful temper, I now have the tools to handle and muddle through situations that at one time would have been paralyzing. For example, I have a history of being a “checker.” Checking the locks, checking to make sure the stove is off, rereading documents multiple times, opening envelopes to make sure I really did put the letter inside—I would repeat these and many other activities ad nauseam every day.

In Recovery, however, I learned to let go of insecure thoughts and behaviors such as repetitive checking. Dr. Low taught me to be self-led instead of symptom-led. Perhaps most important of all, I have developed the courage to make mistakes. When I learned about this Recovery tool, I had an epiphany. I have long been a perfectionist. The idea that I could actually accept the fact that I will make errors and mistakes was so foreign to me. Yet doing so lifted a heavy burden from my shoulders, as it is not easy trying to be perfect! It indeed takes courage to stop listening to all of the warnings in your brain that something is wrong. I had to give up my passion for self-distrust and actively challenge thoughts that previously kept me in an endless cycle of doubt and worry.

I had to accept that I should not strive to be a perfectionist. I should strive to be average. Our society does not have a high view of “average” people. But I’d rather be mentally healthy and average than perfect and miserable.

Of course, every now and then I find myself wanting to check something. That’s average. Usually my Recovery tools help me fight the urge and move onto something else. Even if I have a moment of weakness I know that I should excuse, rather than accuse, myself. All of these Recovery tools have made daily living so much more enjoyable, an outcome I thought for a long time I could only achieve by being perfect.

Facts and Feelings

One of my favorite Recovery phrases is “feelings are not facts.” Dr. Low has an entire chapter on this topic, writing:

“I want you to know that your feelings are not facts. They merely pretend to reveal facts. Your feelings deceive you. They tell you of danger when there is no hazard, of wakefulness when sleep was adequate, of exhaustion when the body is merely weary and the mind discouraged. In speaking of your symptoms, your feelings lie to you. If you trust them, you are certain to be betrayed into panics and vicious cycles.” (1)

This is a powerful message for people struggling with anxiety. When we feel life is out of control, that imminent danger is around the corner, that we are having a heart attack it’s easy—maybe natural?—to believe these feelings. But Dr. Low advises us to spot these unrealistic notions, replace them with secure thoughts, and take the total view of the situation.

I find this Recovery tool so helpful because it’s short, easy to remember, and applies to most anxiety-provoking situations, in which there usually is no factual danger. I think it can be especially helpful for people struggling with OCD. While there may be a strong urge to believe something is unsanitary, that a ritual is required to perform a mundane task, and so on, these feelings do not line up with reality.

The next time you spot yourself working yourself up, try reminding yourself that feelings are not facts. Of course, Recovery teaches us that you won’t experience instant relief, but over time the reality of the situation will become clearer than how the “stranger in the brain” perceives it to be.

I endorsed for writing this post.

Reference
1. Low AA. Mental Health Through Will-Training. Glencoe, Ill.: Willett Publishing Co.; 1997;118.

My perfectionist scaffolding

I am a perfectionist.

I'm not proud of this, as perfectionism is a basis for a lot (most?) of the anxiety in my life. Being a perfectionist is exhausting, and I never feel fulfilled.

Well, enough of that! Seeing the world through perfectionist spectacles leads to unhappiness and chronic negativity, as nothing is ever perfect enough.

This past week I've been trying to dial down my perfectionist tendencies. It's not easy, as they are so ingrained in my personality and a big part of my anxiety disorder. So I'm using the "shrug my shoulders" technique.

For example, say I'm upset because I painted a room with semigloss paint instead of flat (long story :). I shrug my shoulders and say, "Oh well. It's good enough," moving on to something else. Of course, one side of my brain is screaming and demanding more analysis, evaluation, and remedying action, but I'm starting to listen to a quieter voice (that's been there all along) saying, "You know what? It's OK. You're OK. It's time to move on."

Perfectionism is the scaffolding holding up my anxiety framework. Once I remove enough bolts the whole complex will come crashing down and the real, authentic, recovered, anxiety-free me will be standing tall.

Ending self-torture

Living with anxiety is self-torture. We constantly worry, check ourselves, and obsess over some things and, eventually, everything. Well, I'm getting out of the business of this self-torture. I've tired of abusing my mind with these endless thoughts and worries.

Of course, it's not as easy as saying "That's enough!" and Poof! anxiety disappears. But I think resetting our attitude toward ourselves and our mental health is part of our recovery. This hasn't been easy for me, to accept the unknown and the supposed risks. But I have to do it to get better.

This means just doing what I have to do and dealing with the anxiety without letting it overwhelm me. This is scary, and it's difficult. But it's the only real path to recovery I see. Giving these thoughts any more credibility won't help.

A so-so week

When I was anxious this week, I thought to myself, I'm OK. I'm a good person. I do a good job. This hasn't been easy to do, but it has helped me to push through the things I need to get done.

Also, about a week ago some OCD behaviors started to creep back, such as with washing the dishes or checking the thermostat (I hate to do the latter!). They haven't gotten too bad yet, and I'm determined to not let these behaviors return.

All in all, it wasn't a bad week. I think I'm not buying into my catastrophic thinking as much, so that is certainly progress!

Being ok

My counselor has an interesting theory on why I have so much anxiety in my life: It boils down to not being ok with myself—and all the "imperfections" and "flaws" that make me, well, me!

I know I don't value myself. I don't abuse my body with alcohol, tobacco, or drugs, but I do abuse my mind and spirit with negative thinking. For too long I've defined my self-concept on how I perceive others view me and, being an anxious person, I always assume the worse. Although I'm 30 years old, I've never become comfortable in my own skin, and I've focused on having the perfect home, the perfect body, the perfect job so that others would approve of me.

So no wonder I'm anxious! Too much of my life has been spent focusing on what others think of me (actually, what I think they think!). My internal "critical" voice has become too strong at the expense of my "nurturing" voice.

My counselor believes my anxieties and obsessions at any given time are just the latest flashpoints reflective of a deeper internal struggle to accept and love myself. It admittedly sounds kinda airy fairy, but it makes sense. If I pay more attention to my nurturing voice, find time for me to relax, make myself and mental health the real priorities, and not worry about what I think other people are thinking, my anxiety should decrease.

This is a deep concept, and I hope this post makes some sense. Could overcoming anxiety be as simple—but difficult—as truly feeling OK, authentically believing I am a valuable, worthy, lovable, good person?

Music—another anxiety buster

A couple posts ago, I wrote about the power of laughter in reducing anxiety. I've thought of another guaranteed anxiety reducer: listening to music.

When I'm really anxious or just having a bad day, I like to turn on some cheesy '80s pop or dance music to take my mind elsewhere. Even though I might not feel like it, I'll even sing along (a great way to reduce that shortness of breath feeling anxiety often brings). My current counselor even told me I should sing in the shower in the morning to "start the day right." I readily admit that I'm not a vocalist, but I do find getting revved up by a favorite song to be a great anxiety buster.

Reducing anxiety essentially is about getting back to living—laughing, singing, and enjoying company. Anxiety robs us of all that. We must take our lives back!

Ending the worrying about worrying

I overreact when I'm anxious. When I feel those all-too-familiar feelings creep in, not only am I experiencing anxiety, but I become upset that I'm anxious. I start worrying about worrying!

One of the most distressing symptoms I suffer with when I'm anxious is blurred vision and a feeling of depersonalization—feeling "out of touch with reality." I become upset about feeling this way, so I end up fueling the anxiety fire:

• Doing certain tasks makes me extremely anxious.
• When I'm so anxious my vision becomes blurry and it's difficult to concentrate.
• I become upset that my vision is blurry and my mind is cloudy, and I fear these symptoms will impact my performance.
• Thus, my anxiety level continues to increase.

In the spirit of a new me for a new year, on Monday I tried adopting a new way of thinking. Instead of becoming very upset about these distressing symptoms, I'm trying to remain calm (The opposite of what an anxious mind screams at us to do). After all, I have an anxiety disorder. That's reality, and I can't wish it away. These uncomfortable sensations are part of this disease. I'm doing what I need to do and if I make a mistake because my vision is blurred or thinking somewhat impaired, then oh well! Worrying about these symptoms certainly won't change the outcome and, in fact, will only make me more anxious.

I'm trying to take away the power anxiety has over my life. By attempting to label my anxious feelings as "no big deal," I'm hoping their intensity eventually will decrease. This strategy seems to be working, but it's by no means easy.

Laugh therapy

Today I stumbled across the Web site of L.A.U.G.H. with OCD, a support group in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Its home page presents a powerful and important message: Having a good sense of humor can help people with anxiety disorders overcome their fears.

When is the last time you had a really hearty laugh, in which you burst into tears, snorted, or couldn't catch your breath? If it hasn't been awhile, call a funny friend or watch one of your favorite comedies. When we're laughing, we're not caught up in all these useless fears and anxieties, at least for the moment. And the more joy we can introduce into our lives, the less anxious we'll be.

Finding joy

We people with anxiety are hard on ourselves, always beating ourselves up for feelings and emotions we never asked for and certainly don't want to continue. We are far too often upset, edgy, and moody, so it's hard to have fun and let go. Yet finding joy in life is exactly what we must do to live less anxious lives!

At The Gold Puppy the blogger wrote yesterday:

"As a little girl, my fabulous niece Tovah resolved to 'eat more cake.' Now that's a resolution I can get behind. 'Have more fun,' 'Don't work so much,' 'Goof off.'"

This is great advice (dare I say golden :) for anyone—particularly people with anxiety disorders. Life doesn't have to be so dismal all the time. In fact, the more joy we create for ourselves, the less anxious we'll be!

Emotional magnifier

I have found that being continously anxious can be an emotional magnifier. Since I'm keyed up all the time, I overreact to situations other people would handle more calmly.

For example, when a friend arrives a half-hour late, most people would find that irritating—but not a huge deal. For me, ever worrying and always "on," the emotion is "amplified," and I make a late arrival much more of an issue than it should be! So calming my anxiety is key to not overreacting in all other aspects of life.

Finding support

At Anxiety, Panic and Health I found a link to an online chat/bulletin board Web site called AnxietyZone. I'm enjoying posting comments there—and it has enough users that you get multiple responses :) I'm also checking out Compeer, a "real world" mentoring program for people with mental illnesses.

Trust

I think one of the most difficult aspects of tackling my fears and anxieties is learning to trust myself. Trusting my eyes to see what is there, trusting my brain to accurately interpret the world, trusting that everything probably will be OK, as it usually is. For people with OCD, this can be particularly challenging, as we don't trust what are eyes are showing us. We can look at something 2, 10, 10,000 times and still see something wrong with it, even though we know on an intellectual level that there isn't anything amiss. I am learning to trust myself, but it has not been easy. But if I can't trust myself, who can I trust?

Distorted reality

Yesterday I was talking with someone who has OCD fairly severely. What I found particularly interesting about this conversation is that she easily could "see through" my anxieties and fears to a more rationale, less "anxiety clouded" future. In the same way, I saw through her rituals and behaviors and could point out their disconnect to reality.

Anxiety and fear warp our minds. We lose perspective of what's real, what could happen, and what actually will happen.

I am very fearful of the future, but I'm trying to find ways to embrace a more positive and optimistic outlook. That's hard to do in this economy, so step one might be limiting my access to the news (of course bad news sells). I spend a lot of time reading the news (not because of anxiety, but because I am a "news junkie"), but maybe I'll focus a little more on myself and my wellness next year.

Hmm, time to start thinking about those New Year's resolutions!

Don't fight it

I read a great post at Anxiety, Panic and Health today about not "fighting" anxiety. I highly recommend it.

Mind Block

I am trying to find some relief through an exercise I call "mind block." I respond to a particularly nagging anxious thought by saying to myself (or outloud) "mind block!" It seems to be working. The "toxic" thought remains in my brain, but I'm replacing it with another, hopefully stronger, one to prevent it from "getting through" and making me even more anxious. Just a little trick I'm experimenting with.

It's hard to stop a train

A useful concept my current counselor taught me is to consider, What way is the train heading? When you're anxious, it's easy to lose sight of your progress. It's easy to feel defeated.

Yet recovery is a journey. Anxiety usually doesn't develop overnight, so neither will problems dissipate as quickly as we would hope. So consider where you are in your recovery process—are you taking healthy steps to feel better? If so, you probably are headed in the right direction.

Your "train" may slow down at times, but with hard work you can keep it chugging toward your destination—a healthier, less anxious life. It's not easy to stop, let alone turnaround, a train, so if you stay on track, you will reach your goal.

Hi

Thanks for visiting my blog. Here I decided to share some thoughts on living with anxiety. It is not easy! I have been an anxious person most of my life, including childhood. I have struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety. These problems run in my family.

I'm not sure what I want to accomplish with this blog. Maybe it will be just cathartic for me. Maybe somebody else will relate to my struggles, and we'll start a dialogue. We'll see where it goes. Just writing this blog makes me feel anxious, but learning to tolerate and live through these feelings is part of the process of freeing oneself from fear.

I'm emphasizing living in this blog's title. I am not letting anxiety shut me down. No matter how difficult life is, I'm not going to let it win. Being hopeful is an important part of the healing process.